Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Oga, anything for the boys?

If you happen to be driving down a road in Nigeria, or happen to be on an okada, or even just pounding the streets in your very own, custom-built, fully accesorised leggediz-benz, you may have heard the question asked,"Anything for the boys?" Some variations on this may be,"Bros, your bois dey hech o!" and "Oga, make bois drink small tin na."

Who are these boys, and why on earth are you always being asked to assist them, you may wonder. Should you be a charitable soul, and intent on making a formal donation, you may be well advised to perform a quick check at the Corporate Affairs Commission (CAC) which will reveal (to your great surprise) that there is currently no charitable organisation in Nigeria bearing the name "The Boys", neither has one ever been registered.

Perhaps it is an unregistered NGO of some sort then? Again, this search is likely to turn up blank. Before you scratch your head in puzzlement, and begin to wonder how you can assist such an ovbiously needy organisation, I can help you out.

The Boys is a nationwide charitable organisation which is yet to undergo the formal rigours of registeration with the CAC. It's members dress in black, and are assigned numbers and stretches of territory within which to raise funds to keep this noble organisation going. They mount various collection points along highways and within cities. Should you happen to have donated at one, and suddenly run into another collection point a few meters ahead, don't bother pointing out that you've already made a donation, as you've most likely run into a fresh territory.

Everyone donates cheerfully to The Boys. Commercial bus drivers and motorcyclists (also known as Okada) are the biggests donors. At every collection point mounted by The Boys, these kind and generous souls are seen dropping 20 naira notes into the collection plates. The bus drivers are so generous they may donate at the same spot up to 10 times in one day. Storing up riches in heaven for sure.

As for you, the private citizen, who may or may not have an assured source of income, donating to the lean purse of The Boys is strictly optional.

They do have some very powerful methods of persuasion however, such as the AK47s strapped to their backs.

A Victory For The Niger Delta?

Read here.

The court has hereby declared that gas flaring must stop now. Not in two years, not next week, now. The only problem is that in a country where the President has shown utter disregard for rulings of the Supreme Court, the highest court in the land, he may well regard a ruling of the Federal High Court with as much respect as a Brobdingnagian would have shown a Lilliputian.

I fear this will turn out to be yet another paper victory.

Political Enemies!

In Nigeria, it is common for politicians to blame their troubles on Political Enemies. For those who don't know, this is a shadowy organisation dedicated to causing whoever occupies an office as much headache as possible. It's members are responsible for such treasonable acts as leaking details of fake results and certificates, bribery and corruption in government etc.

Indeed, this group causes so much havoc that it should be banned and its members arrested. I mean, how can a governor concentrate on the serious business of office when Political Enemies reveals that he never finished secondary school, and therefore wasn't even qualified to run for the office in the first place?

More recently, however, Political Enemies decided to go international, and opened a branch in London. Their target was the unsuspecting DSP Alamieyeseigha
, governor of Bayelsa State. Whilst the poor man was in Germany undergoing an operation to cure a life-threatening condition, Political Enemies was busy stuffing his London home with pound notes.

After successfully completing his surgery, the man decided to stop over in London to recuperate. Only for the London Metropolitan Police, acting on an anonymous tip-off, to arrest the man at Heathrow. Of course, the good governor, champion of his people was outraged. He had a diplomatic passport, and besides, the allegations were preposterous. All he had on him at the time was the measly pocket change of a few hundred thousand pounds or so, surely not an amount to get Scotland Yard to pull out the big guns?

He followed them to their offices calmly. Afterall, he would soon be cleared, and when he was, they would know the full meaning of jaguda. He was going to cause so much wahala that Tony Blair would come and beg him to calm down. He mentally listed the numbers and names of all the warriors he was going to call up while he waited for the Metropolitan Police Commissioner to come in, offer his most profound apologies for the actions of his overzealous men, and throw in an offer to spend his recuperation at Buckingham Palace. So, you can imagine his utter shock when he was informed by the cops that a search of his home had yielded about one million pounds in cash. In 50 pound notes.

"Political Enemies!!", groaned the distraught governor.

Abeg, Politikal Enemis, even if na only 50 tousand una wan kom plant, I go take am. Jus call me for mai gism, I go giv una de adres. Biko!

Una Welcome O!

I decided to start this blog to share my thoughts on various issues which are of interest to me. As such, this blog will contain posts on anything from football to politics.

I ask all readers to keep in mind that these are my personal opinions and views on issues, and I encourage comments, positive, negative, neutral, whatever.

So, if una feel sai i yan dust, maik una let me kno o!

About Me

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I love my country, enjoy a cold beer once in a while, rabidly support Arsenal FC, but I don't get Diet Coke...