Thursday, September 06, 2007

Security!!!

Three men walk into view. Each carries a briefcase, and all are well dressed in suits and ties. They walk up to a door which is guarded by a large and powerfully built man, and attempt to walk past him.

Guard: Hold it fellas. Just where do you think you’re going?

1st Man: We’re here to update the security systems of this facility.

Guard: Nice try pal. Step back please.

1st Man: What’s the meaning of this? We built this installation, and we’re here to run a security update.

Guard: Really? Ok, let’s see some ID.

1st Man: This is an outrage. I’ll have your job for this, I promise you.

2nd Man: Just show him the ID.

3rd Man: Yeah.

1st Man: (Flashes Badge) Microsoft Security Systems. Now let us through.

Guard: Sorry, can’t do that.

MSS3: Why the hell not?

Guard: You don’t have clearance.

MSS2: What do you mean “clearance”? We built this joint, we know every loophole in it.

MSS1: As a matter of fact, I’d like to see your ID, and know what the hell you’re doing here.

Guard: (Sighs) Zone Labs Security.

MSS3: Zone Labs? What are you doing here?

(Sudden commotion, man, apparently just the recipient of a rather heavy beating, is frog marched out the door, and thrown unceremoniously into garbage dump)

MSS1: Who the fuck was that?

ZL: That was Mr. Norton. I take it he’s just been fired.

MSS2: Mr. Norton was our liaison here. What happened?

ZL: Apparently he allowed some unauthorized persons into the facility.

MSS3: And for that he got beaten up that badly?

ZL: Well, the Boss took exception to the fact that they were shacked up in his office.

MSS1: I don’t believe it. Mr. Norton is highly trained. He’d never allow something like that.

ZL: Look pal, Norton’s gone, we are now in charge of this facility, and if you want in, you’ll have to get clearance from the boss.

MSS2: So, call him, and let us speak with him.

ZL: Fine. (Dials wearily)

BOSS: What is it?

ZL: Sorry to disturb you sir, but there’s some guys down here asking me to let them in.

BOSS: And who are they?

ZL: Some Microsoft Security people.

BOSS: (Cigar glows suddenly, showing features in hideous mask of rage) Microsoft, eh?

ZL: Yes sir.

BOSS: Has Norton been disposed of?

ZL: Yes sir.

BOSS: Did the Microsoft people see it happen?

ZL: Yes sir. They were right here.

BOSS: Good. Put one of them on the phone.

ZL: Yes sir. (To MSS1) He wants to speak with you.

MSS1: Hello?

BOSS: Microsoft Security?

MSS1: Yes sir. We’re here to…

BOSS: Shut the fuck up.

MSS1: (Stunned gasp)

BOSS: Now, listen to me you worm, and listen good. That prick Norton you stuck me with couldn’t find his own asshole with both hands and a GPS-assisted map.

MSS1: Mr. Norton came with the highest recommend…

BOSS: Didn’t I tell you to shut up?

MSS1: (Swallows)

BOSS: Now, I’ve had to relieve Norton of his duties, and my facilities were naked until a friend recommended the Zone boys. And they do a helluva better job than Norton ever dreamed of.

MSS1: Yes sir.

BOSS: Now, what the fuck do you want?

MSS1: We’re here to run a security check.

BOSS: (Laughs uproariously) Security? Tell me you’re joking.

MSS1: Er, it was in er, the contract you signed, sir.

BOSS: Fine, fine. I’m a law-abiding man, and I’ll honor the contract.

MSS1: That’s good sir.

BOSS: However, the Zone people will accompany you every step of the way, and their permission must be granted for any thing you touch. Is that clear?

MSS1: Sir, that is highly irregular, and I’m not sure I can…

BOSS: Fine. You do it my way, or you don’t do it at all. I won’t have you pricks planting something on me.

MSS1: I must consult my team…

BOSS: While you’re consulting, bear in mind that I’ve got other people begging for your contract, and I find myself leaning their way a bit…

MSS1: (Clearly terrified) Of course, sir. (Hands phone back to ZL)

ZL: Boss?

BOSS: Shadow them all the way. And make sure they don’t leave anything behind.

ZL: Yes sir. (Hangs up, and signals three colleagues)

MSS2: Who are they?

ZL: They will be your escort. And if you so much as breathe funny, you boys will be discussing the contents of the garbage can with your pal Norton. Get me?

MSS1: (Subdued) Yes.



The End.

3 comments:

Chxta said...

Zone Alarm is heads and shoulders above every other anti-virus I've ever used. The package is so damned efficient that it takes the fun out of the job sometimes...

ibilola said...

dat's 2 good, menh! lol!!! I luvit, I luvit, i luvit, I luvit.
hahahaahhaahheheheheheeh!!!

can i still it?

emi said...

genius!

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