America's Financial Crisis: Lessons For Nigeria

In an era in which the world is described as a "global village" the recent financial crisis in America has sent shockwaves throughout the world's economies. Much like a butterfly flapping its wings, the Wall Street hurricane which has succeeded in bringing down some of the world's most venerable financial institutions has caused similar storms elsewhere, with governments scrambling to ensure that their own markets are not caught pants down.

When the root causes of the problems on Wall Street are finally analysed, it will be clear that one factor above all precipitaed the crisis - greed. Enron's collapse was brought about by the fact that its executives were greedy, and using their lobbyists, they were able to remove what little government control there was over their actions, allowing them to rack up huge losses disguised as profits, while stuffing their pockets with money belonging to their numerous shareholders. The collapse of Enron was swiftly followed by that of Arthur Andersen, their principal accountant. The warning signs were there, but they were ignored.

A while ago, Sky News ran a story about how people, finding themselves mortgaged to the hilt, simply began transferring their mortgages to their credit cards, and walking away. The credit card and mortgage companies were left to sort out the mess.

Fast forward a few years, and the same scenario is being played out in the financial sector. Years of reckless borrowing to people who clearly could never repay loans has finally come back to bite the banks in the arse. Once upon a time, you couldn't get a credit card without the companies, in the words of Don Corleone, poking their noses up your very asshole to make sure you would be able to repay them, but suddenly, you could get a credit card on the internet. Laws that were enacted after the Wall Street crash of 1929 were repealed, and the wisdom of the 90s was get government off our backs, and leave everything to market forces. The free ride could not last, and it didn't.

Now, these same people are chewing their very fingers waiting for the U.S. government to come and bail them out. The champions of the free market economy are pushing hard for measures that seem right out of Karl Marx's playbook. The inherent hypocrisy is enough to make you laugh till you cry. The same companies who now want to go on what is essentially welfare, are the ones who lobbied for decades for the government to get out of the market. The same ones who built up that "free market" dogma that the IMF and World Bank have shoved down the throats of countries for years have suddenly discovered that they actually have a strong strain of Socialist DNA.

Not so long ago, South Korea found itself caught in the Asian financial crisis. The IMF came in with a rescue package, but there was a catch - the banks and other institutions that had been caught in the storm must not be bailed out by the government, but should be allowed to fail. Thousands of jobs were lost, pensions wiped out, but them's the breaks. The South Koreans must be viewing the talk of a $700 billion bailout package for Wall Street with bile in their teeth.

For our rulers in Nigeria, who seem hell bent on swallowing everything the IMF and World Bank tell us with little or no regard for the real world consequences of bad policy decisions, the rush by America to abandon the dogma of the "free market" should serve as a clear warning. If the very founders of the market economy are now in an almost unseemly hurry to queue up for their chance at the government tit, what right do they have to still tell us to "deregulate"? Afterall, right now they are all blaming deregulation for their troubles. If they had stronger government control, all this shit wouldn't be coming down now. The fact that the U.S government has virtually nationalised America's largest insurance company must not be lost on observers.

Someone once tried to convince me to purchase shares of a certain bank during a public offer. I asked him who determined the prices of the shares. "The market," was his slightly pompous reply. "And who is the market?," I asked. "We are," was his sheepish response. The consequences of allowing the market to run itself with little or no governmental oversight are being clearly seen on Wall Street, and don't let anybody tell you different. Indeed, the recent turmoil in the Nigerian stock market is also more proof of what happens when the market is left to run wild, as shareholders have seen the values of their investments crumble before their eyes. In fact, the bank whose shares I was being urged to buy have dipped dramatically below the price at which the public was made to buy them. In Nigeria, the stock exchange is "bearish" today and "bullish" tomorrow. Hell, one stock market magazine called it the "bearish bull" which is a load of bull.

Surely, were we to strictly follow the rules of "market forces" and apply the principles of the free market economy to Wall Street, all ailing companies would be allowed to fall, and corporate vultures would feast in joy. That they have not is more proof that some animals are indeed more equal than others.

I urge our rulers to take note of this undeniable fact - national interest trumps all other considerations. Even in America.

Who's Listening?

As Yawn'Adua prepares to obey a non-binding, fully reversible decision of the ICJ and hand over 300, 000 of his fellow countrymen to Cameroon in what will surely go down in Nigerian history as the most spineless decision ever taken by a President, one has to ponder what, exactly, are his motivations?

The military has said handing over Bakassi would place Nigeria at a serious strategic disadavantage, pointing out that our navy would need Cameroonian permission to enter Calabar, which is an economic hub. Moreover, the military high command has said Baba never consulted it on the strategic importance of Bakassi to Nigeria's territorial integrity. One would have expected the President to slam the brakes on the planned transfer in the light of such information. Yawn'Adua ignored his military advisers.

Legal luminaries have advised the President to appeal the ruling to the Security Council. Nigeria has played a massive role in ensuring peace in much of Africa, and has shouldered huge financial burdens for keeping UN Peacekeepers stationed in some hotspots. We could parlay this into sympathy for our cause, as nobody else can do what we do in Africa. Yawn'Adua ignored them too.

The National Assembly has protested the planned handover, telling the President that as the Green Tree Agreement signed between Baba and Paul Biya was never presented to it for ratification, the treaty is not binding on Nigeria and cannot have force. By international law, where a treaty must go through an internal process (ratification) before becoming valid, it remains invalid until it has gone through the required process. Yawn'Adua is either unaware of this rule (which is extremely unlikely) or has chosen to ignore it.

A Federal High Court has ruled that the handover must be suspended pending the determination of a suit filed before it by the indegenes of Bakassi. Yawn'Adua has, well, yawned at the Court, and in so doing, has also yawned at his "rule of law" jingle.

Bakassi is credited with holding hundreds of millions of barrels of crude oil, and billions of cubic metres of natural gas, making it a hugely important piece of Nigerian real estate. Yawn'Adua has ignored this fact as well.

And then, there are the people of Bakassi. They have said over and over again that they are Nigerians and not Cameroonians. They have told the government to ask the UN to conduct a plebiscite in the region, as the right of a people to self determination has long been acknowldeged as a fundamental right by the UN. Any plebiscite would surely result in the territory being declared Nigerian. They hold Nigerian passports, and vote in Nigerian elections. Yawn'Adua has ignored them too. And why not, when he knows that their votes don't count?

And this last, is perhaps the most criminal. As long as our rulers choose to ignore the legitimate aspirations of the people, and as long as the ordinary Nigerian continues to be treated as a faceless and voiceless entity, there can NEVER be any progress, and there can be no hope, and there can be no future for this country.

And as long as our rulers continue to put themselves and their selfish personal interests first, as long as they continue to close their eyes to the fact that it is in their best interests to see that there is equity and justice in the country, and as long as they continue to block their ears to the cries of pain and suffering emanating from the streets, there can be NO future for them.

The Last Laugh

In the dying embers of Baba’s tenure-elongation scheme, he decided to do something to Nigerians for which he would never be forgotten.

It is well known that Baba does not forgive any slight, real or perceived, and the collective refusal of Nigerians to allow him turn himself into a life President was a major slap on his person. Afterall, was he not our (self-proclaimed) Messiah? Hadn’t he led us single-handed out of the dark era of military dictatorship? So, for us to disregard all that and proceed to tell him to leave when his 8 years were up proved we Nigerians were indeed a most ungrateful bunch of people. And our “elected” representatives were no better. Ken Nnamani, who he made Senate President over the objections of his colleagues turned round to stab him in the back by refusing to banish the television cameras of AIT from the Senate Chambers during the 3^rd Term Debates. This act, allowing the debates to be broadcast live to all Nigerians, forced some of his most vociferous private supporters to become public detractors for fear of their family and property. And then, there were the utter bastards who took his bribes of cash, bought their official quarters at rates which make “knock-down” look like “mark-up” and then stood up and denounced his tenure elongation plan. Of course, they knew his hands were tied – he couldn’t ruddy well come out and accuse them of corruption and hand them over to the EFCC, he’d have to arrest himself too! Perish the thought. And then of course, there were the ordinary Nigerians, the ingrates who popped beer and jubilated at his failure. They were deserving of his most special ire. After all he had done for them, they couldn’t even allow him rule them for life. Surely the furies were watching his travails and would support him in his next course of action.

So, Baba declared that winning the 2007 Elections was a do-or-die affair. He then proceeded to orchestrate the most shambolic elections in the history of elections in the history of the world. International observers even said they were worse than when he gave himself a second term in office, and previously, Nigerians had considered those elections to be the height of farce. Baba showed us how completely wrong we were. As the utterly unacceptable results poured out of INEC, it seemed that surely there would be some unrest across the country.

However, Nigerians seemed wise to the fact that unrest would be a great excuse for Baba to declare a national state of emergency and use that as an excuse to remain in power. So we all kept quiet and allowed him do what he wanted. However, his best parting shot was the man he chose to replace him in power. Having scoured the length and breadth of the country searching for a suitable replacement, he chose Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. And what a replacement he has been.

On taking office, he vowed to provide Nigerians with real leadership, and promised us a government that would respect the rule of law. He was even reported to have told off the leadership of the PDP when they argued against his planned government of national unity. For a few weeks, it looked like Nigerians would ultimately thank Baba for something afterall. But we were wrong again. Baba had chosen his man well, a good-intentioned fellow who also happened to lack the cojones to see through any planned reforms to the system.

Little by little Yar’Adua succumbed to the pressures mounted on him from without to preserve the status quo. The Teachers’ Strike which he allowed to occur, and run for 5 weeks without check was straight out of Baba’s playbook. And when he intervened in the impeachment of the Adamawa State governor, it was clear that he had finally turned his government over to the dark side. His foot-dragging on implementing the budget 8 months into the year can only be described as callous. He has also earned himself several unflattering nicknames such as “President Go-Slow”, “Yawn’Adua”, and “Umoru” which is the name Baba gave him while calling him during the “campaign” to ascertain whether he was alive or dead.

Now, Nigerians are seeing a truly rare phenomenon here – a lame-duck first-term President. We get bombarded daily by "7 Point Agenda" adverts on NTA, with little or no action on ground to back it up. Government has virtually stagnated, capital projects haven't taken off even though the year is all but gone. And to make things even worse for Yawn'Adua, some have begun grumbling that at least Baba's government had purpose (however misguided) and was visibly active (however pointless). Yawn'Adua's government appears totally comatose by comparison.

Nigerians expected positive action, and so far all we've gotten are a bunch of pointless probes, where the probers are so utterly terrified of pointing fingers in the proper direction that they would rather gloss over serious issues to chase shadows. For instance, the Power Probe found that Baba waived due process and ordered companies that didn't even exist paid in full. When they spoke of inviting him to appear, all he did was send them the huffiest letter imaginable, and they turned tail and ran. Next we heard they were recommending that the "companies" refund the money, but saying nothing about the man who made it possible for them to get it in the first place.

It looks for all the world like Baba is being treated as a sacred cow. Or chicken...

Rodeo Drive?!

So, our head honchos have, once again, gotten it completely... wrong.

Yesterday, it was announced that plans have been approved to construct a N50 Billion "Abuja Boulevard" stretching from Eagle Square to the National Hospital. It was said by a smiling (I assume) FCT Minister, that this would elevate Abuja to the status of other world-class cities in the world. The Boulevard will "boost tourism" and be a "24-hour business and shopping hub" and so on and so forth, ad nauseam. It was also said that the development will allow Abuja compare favourably with Rodeo Drive. Such is the extent of our rulers' ambition. Rodeo Drive is a street in some city in California, in good ole US of A. Our rulers want our national frakking capital to compete with a street in a state in another country!

It was also announced, for all ye lucky landowners in the area, that the premiums on land will go up from N2,000 per square meter to between N50,000 and N70,000 per square meter. Naturally, those who cannot afford the new rates are welcome to surrender their Cs-of-O and be reassigned plots elsewhere. And, before anyone dared quibble or grumble about the insane hike, Alhaji Modibbo informed us that MTN and Globacom are already chomping at the bit. Then before any fingers or hands were raised, Modibbo, with a combination of glare and growl that would have Segun Arinze turn green with envy, stated that the days of people getting a "free ride" from government are over. Said he, people got the land cheap in the old days, and when government has finished investing in infrastructural development, these people now sell their land for huge profits, and this is unfair! What kind of twisted logic produces that kind of statement? So, people should not sell land anymore because the government did its frakking job and provided development?

And then, here's the kicker - Alhaji Modibbo said areas whose value will be boosted "indirectly" by the presence of the boulevard will also have their premiums increased. This is likely to have landlords jumping for joy, and tenants groaning in pain seeing as the measure for determining exactly how and to what degree this indirect boost will be applied is as yet unkown. Well, Wuse II, is likely to be one, as well as Maitama, and Garki. And, since the Boulevard is going to head across Zone 6, the rest of Wuse will be in line for a value boost. How, you ask? Quite simple. If the presence of Abuja Boulevard indirectly boosts the value of land in Zone 6, making the said Zone a "choice area" then the boosted value of land in Zone 6 should indirectly boost the value of other Zones by their proximity to the choice areas, and so on and so forth. Heck, before you know it, the premium on land in Bwari will be boosted by being indirectly enhanced by its closeness to Dutse, which was boosted by its closeness to Gwarimpa, which was boosted by its closeness to Wuse II, which was boosted by its closeness to the Boulevard!

Don't you just love the frakking logic?

Here we are, myriad crises facing our government such as the situation in the Niger Delta, and the fact that electricity has been relegated to a pipe dream, and the fact that roads are shockingly bad, and the fact that there is no security of lives and property, and the fact that our teachers have finally gotten pissed off enough to challenge the insincerity and double-faced nature of government promises, and the fact that corruption is a way of life, and a thousand and one other problems, and all they can think of is Abuja Boulevard. They should all get medals for their innovative thinking. So, here's the rub, dear readers: in the spirit of reallocation of land, it is quite likely that the hapless landowners who cannot afford the new outrageous premiums on their land, will likely be reassigned to plots in Kubwa or Bwari, or, come to think of it, Abaji. Their land will then be in all probability reallocated to varied PDP stalwarts, and then the said stalwarts will get to resell the land to those who are expected to jostle for spaces in the area at profits that will have their account officers smiling all the way to the bank.

And, naturally, in the new spirit of the rule of law, anyone who doesn't like it can go *@&!#%. Or head for the Abuja Land Use Tribunal (which is pretty much the same thing).

Rewriting History

I would have blogged about this the very day I saw the headlines, but work has kept me offline for a while.

A few days ago, people gathered for prayers to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the passing of the dark-goggled one, Gen. Sani Abacha. While alive, Abacha was recognised by the majority of Nigerians to be a violent kleptomaniac, who was only interested in hanging on to power at all costs, while filling his pockets with as much money as he could grab. It was said that once, the then CBN Governor had the temerity to notify Khalifa (as he was called) that there was no more Naira in the Treasury. Enraged, Khalifa picked up his telephone and ordered more money printed just to satisfy his cravings. I certainly cannot forget the "five fingers on the same leprous hand" which he styled as political parties during his divinely truncated "transition" programme. Or the senseless, spineless, and utterly insulting adverts that the NTA shamelessly aired proclaiming Khalifa to be the "key" to Nigeria's future. Or the even more insulting "who the cap fits" adverts aired by the same organisation. I remember that when Alex Ekwueme was being touted as a Presidential candidate, the man had to quickly come out and denounce his "promoters" and declare his loyalty to Khalifa.

Can anyone forget the "million man march" or the 65 year old "youths" who earnestly asked for Abacha?

Also, Abacha was responsible for innumerable assassinations of those who dared demand the restoration of the June 12 mandate freely handed to MKO Abiola by Nigerians. Most prominent among the victims of this struggle against Abacha were Kudirat Abiola and Pa Alfred Rewane. Other pro-democracy activists of the day were forced to become the bird of Igbo legend who stated that since men had learned to shoot without missing, he had learned to fly without perching.

So, it is the memories of these people and countless unnamed others that the 3 generals attempted to rubbish with their asinine claims that Abacha was, basically, purer than the driven snow. Perhaps the most outrageous of all the claims came from none other than Maradona himself. He stated (probably with an enviable poker face) that Abacha never stole a dime! He stated Abacha was a humble man, and that the two of them were real close, right until the end.

We must then ask Maradona about the billions of dollars of loot which have been returned to Nigeria from Khalifa's various foreign accounts. Were they part of an elaborate hoax to portray Khalifa as a bad man? Were we all engaged in the exercise of giving a dog a bad name in order to hang it? I think not.

No, Maradona cannot pull the wool over my eyes. I remember the day Khalifa passed on to the great beyond. There was widespred jubilation of the kind unseen since the day we won the gold medal in football at the Atlanta Olympics. Bus drivers rejected fares, beer parlour owners rejected money, and from east to west and north to south, there was wild celebration.

I know we have a "tradition" of not speaking ill of the dead, but for heaven's sake, it doesn't mean we must become stupid. I know it is often said that Nigerians suffer from collective amnesia, and that we are either unwilling or unable to keep events in our memory, hence we allow the same rubbish to happen to us over and over again. But on this score, I dare say we might as well have been collectively lobotomised if we allow ourselves to forget the Years of the Locust that Abacha's rule represented.

Chuku Chuku

When Umoru took office in the aftermath of the PDP's brazen vote capturing, it soon became clear to both keen-eyed observers and the blind alike, that he would have little or no time for one of Baba's golden boys: CBN Governor Soludo.

Perhaps aware of the impending ill-wind about to blow through his office, Soludo hastened to inform the media and general public at large, that he would no longer be addressed by the name with which he took office - Charles, but would now be addressed by a new moniker: Chukwuma. As I said at the time, I had no idea he even had Chukwuma for a name at all. Indeed, on our Naira notes, he wrote his name in full as Charles Soludo. Granted, there was an initial there, but I always assumed it was a "B", and only the whole name change did I realise that it was, in fact, a "C".

But, to my mind, the reason for the sudden shift from Charles to Chuks was as plain as, well the corruption in Obasanjo's government. He had changed his name because to his "professorial" mind, there was no better shield to hide behind than the well documented history between the Igbos and their Hausa-Fulani brothers. As "Charles" he could be booted out of office without so much as a by-your-leave, and not too many voices would be raised in protest, even if he was of Igbo origin. However, the sudden removal of "Chukwuma" as CBN Governor would definitely trigger howls of protest from the Eastern part of Nigeria. There would be rapid claims of "marginalisation" and "tribalism" and so on. There would be full-page advertorials in national dailies bemoaning the sack of the "highest-ranking" Igbo son in the government. In short, there would be plenty wahala and katakata, and Umoru, unlike Baba, has little inclination towards either.

Never mind that the newly-minted Chuks had never identified himself with his Ohaneze "brothers" throughout Baba's tenure, what would matter would be the perception of the public that Umoru couldn't wait to toss the Igbo man out on his ear, and some would say it smacked of the pogroms which had led to the civil war. So, if Umoru wanted him out, he would have to do it in a way that left no room for any howls of protest. Cue the probes.

Currently, Chuks has at least 3 seperate on-going probes of various aspects of his tenure as the Guvnor. Some involve the Capital Market, some involve the AFC, and some involve the Banking sector, wherein Chuks has recorded his most trumpeted achievements. Now, Chuks spends his time running between the Senate, the House of Reps, and the ICPC, trying desperately to defend himself, and keep his job.

He called for the probe of unethical practices in the banking sector to be conducted in camera, claiming that "wild" statements emanating from the hearing could lead to a run on the affected banks. He stated that a bank could collapse in a day, and so, the public should not be allowed to hear just how the banks were treating their hard earned money, or they might just give in to the temptation to remove it. This suggestion is laughable in the extreme. If I discover that the bank I thought was solid was nothing of the sort, and was indeed wobbling on the verge of collapse, I have every right to pull my money out, and move it to a safer haven, my pillow, perhaps. It has long been suspected by the general public that all is not as rosy as it seems with some of the so-called "mega banks" in Nigeria, and I believe Chuks made the plea to the Committee with certain banks in mind.

Now, it is part of Chuks job as Guvnor to make sure that the banks operate within strict ethical and fiscal guidelines, and treat depositors funds with utmost respect. It has since been established that Chuks has no interest in this part of his job, and prefers to align himself with the very institutions he ought to be policing. Take the board of the AFC, for example. Chuks is the Chairman, and the CEOs of several Nigerian banks are the Directors. Hand in glove doesn't even begin to describe that relationship. And it leads one to ask if the dog is wagging its tail, or the other way round.

His close relationship with these persons cannot but lead to questions about his independence, and indeed, loyalty to his office. The revelations from the Capital Market probe in which he sought to lay blame for the over-subscription for shares at the feet of the subscribers and not the banks was instructive in this regard. Here was a CBN Governor being asked how he abdicated his oversight functions so glaringly, and instead of offering any explanation, no matter how far-fetched, he chose to threaten the people who had been wronged with prosecution. Now, I am not suggesting the government should become heavy handed in the issue of regulation of banks, but the Enron fiasco showed that too much liberalisation is a very dangerous animal indeed. Investors literally lost their shirts because the banks were in cahoots with Enron, and surely a stronger and rigorously enforced regulatory framework could have prevented that from occuring. There are those who say regulation stifles growth and development, but I say that works in the same manner that armed robbers will complain that the police stifle their operations (of course, in Naija, most people would say that our police actually enhance crime, but imagine if there were none at all).

Chuks has been good for Nigeria in some ways, no doubt, and there will be those who say you must take the good with the bad, but when you occupy such a sensitive position, the first things on your mind should be integrity and honour at all times. You shouldn't turn into the Maurice Iwu of banking. And sadly, this is what Chuks has done. No doubt a close relationship with the banks is required, given their importance in economic development, but the CBN is supposed to play the role of a kind but firm parent to these precocious kids, and not act as the booze-purchasing frat brother.

I've said before that Chuks should have gone quietly after the redenomination fiasco, and kept his dignity. He refused to do so, perhaps completely ensnared by the addictive elixir of the power he enjoyed under Baba. Power which enabled him to ride roughshod over his Deputy Governors and render them just about irrelevant. And power which enabled his to be the most important economic voice in the nation. The power went to his head like the powerful narcotic it is, and he refused to see the writing on the wall.

Sadly, I don't think he's going to have the option of a quiet exit anymore. He's made too many enemies who now control his fate. And his comfy seat of power must now be feeling a mite prickly.

Ike & Tina

I drank a can of Red Bull last night in hopes of being awake to watch B'rock clinch the Democratic Party's nomination. I apparently hadn't considered exactly how tired I was, because I promptly fell asleep, and didn't recover my wits until about 3 am. At which time I got to watch B'rock clinch the Democratic Party's nomination (which proves that everything does happen for a reason). Anyway, as soon as I saw that he had not only reached, but zoomed past the magic number of 2,118, I immediately sent texts to my Dad, my Mum, and Chxta.

Needless to say, I was utterly estatic. I had never given Senator Obama a chance initially, and I thought he'd be like Jesse Jackson, win a couple of states and then return to his Senate seat. Of course, as the race went on, I saw that my initial projections had been as accurate as a goal attempt from Emmanuel Adebayor, and I realised that I was watching history. I began staying up on primary nights until the last vote had been counted, and I said here that B'rock needed to hit Hilliar back for all the negative things she was saying about him. I was wrong again, proving I do not have a future as a political adviser (at least not in Yankee).

So, last night/this morning, when I watched his victory speech I got a little misty-eyed, and immediately prayed that God would erect a bullet-catching force field around the man posthaste. Then I settled down to watch Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN. There, several analysts discussed Hilliar's refusal to concede the nomination even now that it was clear that she had lost. Then one of them dubbed her and Bill "Itchy Willy" Clinton the "Ike and Tina Turner of American Politics." I rolled off the chair laughing, and I'm sure I disrupted the peaceful sleep of my neighbours. For I had never heard a more apt description of the pair, except that she's Ike and he's Tina. Now that the nomination is lost, I'm sure neighbours will have to deal with the sounds of lamps breaking as she berates him for costing her the nomination with his statements in South Carolina, and not bringing her the black votes he promised. No doubt Chelsea Clinton will come in for a broadside as well for not energising the young voters like she was supposed to.

As the nomination contest wore on, it became clear that Hilliar was far from being the benign former First Lady she often portrayed on television. In appearance after appearance, Hilliar showed the world that she was, in fact, a shrewish fishwife. From her "misspeaking" to her constant refusal to back down, to her statement that the nominating contest should have run until June because that was when Robert Kennedy got killed (while he was the frontrunner) she told us that Hilliar was in the race for Hilliar and not for the American people as she had always claimed. And watching her change her tone as often as she changed clothes was truly cringeworthy. At one point, Florida and Michigan didn't matter, then suddenly Florida and Michigan were the keys to the nomination. At first the popular vote didn't count, and now she claims that winning the popular vote is the key. And whether she liked it or not, the voters paid attention to her constant shifting.

For sure, Obama beat her, and beat her fair and square, but those punches she landed on her own nose did him worlds of good.

Now, it's on to the White House for the Obama Express.

May 29

As we prepare to mark the ninth year of our great democratic experiment/learning process/PDP "vote capturing"/INEC's robust independence, we must look back on the intractable problems that once bedevilled our great nation and smile at their resolution.

For instance, in the past we had Supreme Military Councils made up of about 30 crooks (whose word was law) doling out money amongst their friends and favourites to the detriment of the national good. This problem was resolved by the creation of a Federal Executive Council and National Assembly made up of about 500 crooks (whose word is law) doling out money to their friends and favourites to the detriment of the national good.

We used to refine crude oil in Nigeria, and the Government always groaned about the subsidy. We now import refined products and the Government groans about the subsidy.

We once used to live in fear of soldiers breaking down our doors to arrest our loved ones who dared to speak out against their paymasters, now we live in fear of thugs breaking down our doors to kill our loved ones who dare to speak against their paymasters.

We once considered constant electricity to be the luxury of the rich, now we consider constant electricity to be the luxury of the mega-rich.

We used to have several tiny banks, each doing their best to rip off the unfortunate Nigerian customer. We now have few large banks, each doing their best to rip off the unfortunate Nigerian customer.

We once thought it was an act of courage to drive around Lagos without a well-armed escort, and now we think it is an act of courage to drive around Lagos.


Fela, the great sage and seer, once described democracy as a demonstration of craze. Witnessing a catalogue of simply disgraceful behaviour by our "honorables" on Channels TV News last night, I couldn't help but agree with him, as I am so often compelled to. Witnessing fathers and grandfathers displaying all their agbari skills without restraint on national television made me alternate between tears of laughter and, well, more tears of laughter. One video from Ondo State, showing a legislator attempting to seize the House Mace was particularly hilarious. Here was the fellow, struggling desperately to wrest the Mace from some other folks, when from behind him, someone steps up and delivers a punch that Muhammad Ali would have been proud of. When he is helped to his feet, after assorted refs have counted to a hundred and gone for lunch, all he does is rub his head and look bewildered. You wouldn't want to be that guy's kid in school the next morning, trust me. Or the "Civilian Coup" in Delta State wherein the Speaker of the House of Assembly actually had his seat pulled from underneath him, and then got dragged out of the Chamber, so a new Speaker could be installed.

On May 29 our rulers will get out their collective soap boxes, and proceed to do their very best to dislocate their own shoulders via vigorous self back-patting. We will hear about how the military destroyed everything for so many years, and how there has been so much to do. We will hear about the "great strides" that have been taken in bringing democracy dividends to the ordinary Nigerian (by which they simply mean that instead of the General from your home town building a mansion in your back yard, you now have the Senator, the Honorable, the SHA Member, Local Government Councillor, and the local thug building mansions in your backyard). We will be told that we must exercise patience while our children attend substandard schools while the funds to give them a decent education are spent on Harvard tuitions for the children of government and party functionaries.

We will be told that decent drinking water, motorable roads, stable electricity, and basic security are being worked on and will be delivered soon, while our rulers drink Ragolis and Eva, ride in jeeps, utilise the largest generators and use their MOPOL to chase us off what thin strip of good road we were clinging to.

We will be told to exercise patience while the "rule of law" enables perpertrators of the most nefarious crimes against the people in recent memory dance and dine in absolute freedom.

Oh yes, patience will be a major theme of May 29 addresses. We will be told to exercise patience until it becomes a virtue. Someone once told me that if you chase a goat to a wall, it will turn around and charge you, but if you chase a Nigerian to a wall, he will dig through or under the wall so he can keep running. I know we have had men of courage in this country, but I am loath to begin naming them here. Suffice to say they have been occasional comets during our perpetual Antarctic winter. Their light shines too short to do more than offer a glimpse of the direction in which we should head, then is snuffed out by collective apathy.

Yes, Nigerians generally, no longer give a shit. We don't care if our rulers steal our money. We no longer have (ife we ever did) a collective desire to hold our rulers accountable for their misdeeds, and that is perhaps the enduring legacy of military rule. The military did us irreperable harm, but it wasn't in the area of infrastructure or national development. It was in our psyche. After such a mind fuck, we became ready to accept them when they tossed the guns and whips and came back with constitutions. Now we constantly hear "no to military rule" and "the worst civilian government is better than the best military dictatorship." What a crock. Mind you, I am not advocating a coup, but at least during military rule we didn't have a collection of quite so many pigs gathered at the trough. We had a few large pigs and a collection of piglets. Now we have several large pigs and an even larger (and still growing) collection of piglets.

Our political parties are, in general, a gathering of persons whose only common ideology is "there is no such thing as Government money." There is no better demonstration of this than the PDP. The only thing that gathering has in common is avarice.

Well, I'm venting, perhaps even ranting a bit, but if you can't rant on your blog, then where can you? Besides, maybe 10 or 20 people will read this post, or a few more who stumble across it, so let me offer a personal solution to Nigeria's power woes:

1. A blanket ban on the purchase, or use of generators by all top government functionaries, and permanent load shedding of their homes.

I can see it now: the "honorable" minister for energy (power) forced to do battle with mosquitoes with his own hands while cursing and waiting for PHCN to restore power to his area. If PHCN doesn't start working properly in a week. I know it won't happen, of course, but it's a lovely thought on which to celebrate demonstration of craze day in Nigeria.

As for me, I intend to celebrate by tackling some laundry which has refused to abandon the politics of opposition, and then I shall loot generously from the public till of my kitchen, before retiring to my plush villa in the middle of my flat for a well-deserved foreign vacation.

Physical Fitness

Sometime ago, while I was still doing my NYSC, it was decided by top management at my place of primary assignment that the lifts would no longer carry persons to or from the first floor. This policy was instituted with a view to ensuring that staff got some regular exercise at the office, since many people were way too tired to use the various gyms the company had partnered with. It was also believed that this new fitness regime would improve staff performance, and so on and so forth.

Needless to say that I, at the time was more than willing to use the stairs for a few reasons:
1. I was young and strong;
2. The lifts could often be a hinderance rather than a help; and
3. My office was on the first floor.

Of course, not everyone could comfortably play "spring chicken", and you'd find a few people at their desks and blowing like whales, or queues at the water fountain, as staff desperately tried to rehydrate themselves. And, naturally, the big ogas with first floor offices still used the lifts.

Well, if top management knew then what we found out today, there would have been a very simple incentive to physical fitness - the presence of the EFCC.

Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello has been engaged in a war of words with the EFCC since it was revealed that she collected some cash out of the 300 million Naira health ministry palaver, for which the heads of the minster and minister-of-state duly rolled. When the trial of the accused persons began, Iyabo was named as an accused person, but failed to show up in court. When the EFCC announced that she was on the run, she hit back, calling them liars. Recently, she bragged that she was ready for them.

Reports emerged today indicating that while EFCC officers were waiting to arrest her, Senator Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello, a woman who can hardly be described as a Marion Jones in her prime, evaded capture by going over the back fence of her Jabi residence. This event leaves a lot open to the imagination. You see, Iyabo is not noted for a physical nature, and seeing as she never embarked on a mountain climbing exercise like the "Action Governor" Lucky Igbinedion, one must wonder how she developed her technique. It is not yet known which high jump method she may or may not have utilised in making her escape, and it has also not yet been revealed whether a ladder or pole vault was discovered at the scene. All that is known is that the EFCC came in the front door, and Iyabo went over the back fence. One can only imagine the amused/frustrated looks on the faces of the cops at that moment. Frustration because she got away, and amusement because of how she got away.

No doubt, various men and women of high standing (and who may or may not become EFCC targets in future) are taking note of this, which shall soon become known as The Iyabo Method. Baba, on receiving the news of his daughter's narrow escape from the clutches of the monster he created, might have cringed in embarrasment at the idea of his child scaling a fence like a common crook, but then again, knowing Baba, he would probably have smiled with pride at her ingenuity.

Next time, however, she might not be so lucky...

3 Strikes

Ed's Note: The Law has not finally lost his marbles, and is fervently praying neither of the people mentioned in a previous post reads this, or The Law might be in need of a coffin...

I sometimes wonder if Cupid, or whichever mad scientist runs the relationships department operates a sort of reverse 3 Strikes policy. As in, 3 Strikes and you're out for good. You see, I've had 3 great loves in my life, each one stronger than the last. And for anyone completely aware of me history reading this, K doesn't count because she was, well, puppy love.

So, here they are, in chronological order.

A: I first met her at a friend's birthday party in my first year in the University. To say she outshone the other young ladies at the event would be a gross understatement. Next to her, they were candles. I didn't fall in love with her at first sight though. I don't believe in such fruppery. Although if I am honest, it took about 30 seconds. Nano seconds, that is. Well, I wasn't a very confident fellow back in those days, so I pulled out all the reasons she'd never go out with me, namely there were richer, finer guys, etc, and beat them into my brains so much I accepted them as dogma. What a fool I was. I contented myself with seeing her only occasionally, even though each time I laid eyes on her, my heart would literally stop. I kept telling myself it was good to be friends with her because I could never be more. I was such a coward. Out of fear of rejection, I never did a damn thing. I wish I had a time machine, I'd go back and ram a red hot poker or a 600 volt cattle prod up my own behind. And so, the time passed, and the feelings diminished, and faded from an acute ache to a dull throb. And I congratulated myself for surviving. Some days, I feel I shall go to my grave with her as my one greatest regret.

V: V broke me out of my funk over A. She was about 12 metric tons of fun, with a sense of humor that was totally out of this world. When she came along, I decided to apply the lessons learnt from A, and screwed my courage to the sticking place. I spoke up. Man, oh man. Well, she decided we'd better be friends, and I guess she was looking for a guy with a lot more, ahem, experience. She then decided to set me up with a friend of her's who, apparently, was as bewildered with her decision as I was. Well, I took that on the chin. I and V are still friends today, and with hindsight, perhaps this turned out well.

B: B... B... B... Chxta is aware of all the details on this one. When I met B in law school, I was sure that I'd finally found "the one". She got me (something no one else managed before or since). She understood my sense of humor, which could sometimes appear from way out in left field. When I talked to her, I never had that subconscious feeling that I should lower my intellectual standards. Heck, with her I actually felt I needed to raise them! For her, I would have sold my soul with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. For her, I would have fought armies of dragons and legions of devils. If my previous loves were conflagrations, she was the core of a blue supergiant. And boy, did she roast me. Before her, I had no idea what it was like to be owned by someone else. She was the source of my greatest joy, and the source of my greatest pain. Before her, I didn't know that pain could cleave you in two just as surely as a broadsword. She pushed me to the very brink of sanity, and that is no joke. I strongly believe that if I didn't end up in Uselu in December 2005, there is nothing else life can throw at me. Because she was the kitchen sink. And perhaps I did lose my mind, because as I sit here typing this, I realise that even with the foreknowledge of how things would turn out with her, I'd do it all over again, and I'd do it again gladly.

So, there they are. But given the fact that the last ball went smack into me arm, can't I get a fourth? Or shouldn't I be allowed to take my base?

Gentleman No Dey O!

I read somewhere that when Jackie Robinson was signed as the first black man to play Major League Baseball, he was told there were certain things he could not partake in. These included foul language, alcohol, cigarettes, and (naturally) women. He was told that he had to be a model citizen and human being if he wanted other black players to follow in his footsteps. Of course, the white players on the team could cuss like sailors, drink like fishes, smoke like chimneys and hump like rabbits, but ole Jackie would only be allowed to watch them with longing in his heart.

Today, there are several black players in major league baseball (in fact, the MLB now says there aren't enough) and is consequently doing its level best to rekindle interest in baseball among black kids. But, like typical persons of African descent, they're mostly interested in basketball and football, which are the sure-fire tickets to large paydays. Baseball is doing ok, but many black kids dream of being like Mike.

Also, in today's MLB, the black players may use whatever swear words cross their minds, swim in bath tubs of beer, snort cocaine, smoke weed, and have orgies that would put the Romans to shame. America came around, and decided it was ok for the black guys to do whatever the white guys did. And boy, have they revelled in their freedom.

Now, we have one Senator Barack Obama (D, Illinois) or B-rock (thanks kulutempa), who is the first black man to be allowed to play American politics on the grandest stage of them all - the race for the White House. And like countless black men before him to challenge a white dominated establishment, he's had to be a gazillion times better than any of them just to get his foot in the door. And he's been pushing the door wider with every passing week.

When the race for the Democratic Party's nomination began, everyone expected it to be a coronation of Hillary Clinton. She'd been hotly tipped for the nomination as far back as the day her husband left office. Indeed, in the elections for New York's Senatorial Seat, coming in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks (during which Rudy Giuliani covered himself in glory for his handling of things in New York City) she proceeded to wipe the floor with Giuliani. During the last presidential race, she didn't run, mainly because she hadn't put enough on the ground, but even as the contest between John Kerry and Dubya was rounding up, Hillary let it be known that she was coming in next. At the time, there was no visible, credible opposition to her ambition, and she strutted around, probably choosing the drapes she would like in the Oval Office.

Then, the junior senator from Illinois stepped up. At first, people tended to dismiss him as another Jesse Jackson, who would make some noise, then fade so Queen Hillary could strut her way to the nomination. Hell, even this writer didn't think B-rock had as much chance as a snow ball in hell. (I'd have wagered money on the snowball, truth be told.) Then B-rock started winning. After he picked up his first few, Hillary went on air and shed some tears, then picked up a win. Then B-rock went on another long streak of wins, handing Hillary resounding defeats in primary after primary, and caucus after caucus. He picked up endorsements from some of the powerhouses in the Democratic party, including the entire Kennedy family, and overtook Hillary in campaign fund raising (a lead he still hasn't relinquished).

Then things started getting muddy, as Hillary and her husband decided to go to the Karl Rove School of Political Chicanery. Pictures of B-rock in traditional Kenyan dress, including headgear, were released by Hillary's campaign. The intent was to portray B-rock as a muslim. The staffers responsible for the incident "resigned" and Hillary's campaign went on. After that, they started mentioning his middle name, Hussein, and trying to whip up some of that good ole anti-Islamic sentiment. Through it all, B-rock refused to participate in the mudslinging, even though it ended up costing him California. Then she complained that B-rock was getting favourable coverage by the media! I mean, he's wiping the floor with her in vote after vote, and she wants them to talk about her? One of her campaign staff then said that if B-rcok wasn't a black man, he wouldn't be in the position he was in, ovbiously telling people that B-rock's wins were some kind of affirmative action. At first, Hillary merely distanced herself from the statement, without asking the woman to resign. Eventually though, Hillary bowed to pressure, and the woman "stepped aside."

Then Hillary started talking about B-rock's "lack of experience" and ran a "ringing phone" campaign ad calculated to whip up fear in voters. These enabled her to take Texas and Ohio. B-rock's controversial pastor then entered the equation, and this was used by Hillary to its maximum potential. Only the fact that B-rock is a gfted, nay brilliant, orator, was able to save his skin. Never mind that the said controversial pastor was received in the White House by Bill and Hillary Clinton while the former was POTUS.

Chxta has pointed out that it is perhaps time for B-rock to get into the gutter. While I am no fan of gutter politics, I certainly know that it is the single dirtiest game on earth, and American Politics is the king rat in that particular sewer. There is no way you can say "I'm a clean fighter" and get into the ring with Mike Tyson. In a certain video, Bruce Lee pointed out that in order to win a fight, you must be willing to adapt your style to match you opponent. He once grabbed a fellow actor from behind and held him in a choke hold. When the actor asked what to do in that situation, Bruce Lee simply said, "Bite me." The guy looked shocked that the undisputed king of martial arts would advocate stooping to such "underhanded" tactics. Then Bruce Lee said, "If you pour water into a cup, it becomes the cup. If you pour water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. Be water."

The long and short of that video was "Fuck Queensbury rules." I hate to say it, but B-rock must be willing to take the fight to Hillary on her own level. If that means dropping the Harvard inflections, and becoming more "street" so be it.

Hillary has handed him the perfect weapon - her lies about Bosnia. And simply saying things like "Experience, huh?" don't cut it, I'm sorry. He has to get in there and force people to take a good hard look at her so-called "experience" and realise it's all just smoke and mirrors. I know the Republicans are waiting for it to get really nasty so they can preserve their dirt-digging energy, but B-rock, despite everything, is still outraising John McCain, the Republican Presidential Candidate, by a whopping 5:1. A few choice revelations about Hillary, some more uncovered "misstatements" etc. Get people to know the real Hillary, not the one parading about in public. Strip her of her cloak of respectability, and bring out the woman who spat four letter tirades at Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky affair and hurled a table lamp at his head.

B-rock needs to get under her skin in the same manner. And adopt the following as his new campaign slogan:

Dis wan dis wan, gentleman no dey o!
Dis wan dis wan, gentleman no dey o!

Take her down.

Gunshots, Flak Jackets, and Videotape

Recently, Hillary Clinton, as part of her "foreign policy experience" campaign soundbites, stated that she recalled landing in Bosnia under sniper fire, and having to run straight to her car and get whisked off to the U.S. base located therein. While making this speech, Hillary laughed a little when mentioning the gunfire, as if to say "Hey, I'm cool about it, I've been shot at before, you know, gunshots ain't that big a deal. In other words, I can be cool under serious pressure."

Then the video of the event surfaced. Showing Hillary and Chelsea Clinton walking leisurely down from their plane, shaking hands with some military commanders, then stopping to have a poem recited to them by a little girl. Then strolling to their cars and driving off at the break-neck, sniper-fire avoiding speed of 20-25 mph.

Hillary now says she "misspoke". And that there was gunfire "in the hills around the airport". In other words "Fuck, where the hell did that video surface from? I thought we got all the copies." And "Ok, so they weren't, like, shooting at me, or in my general direction for that matter, but it was still pretty intense." She went further to say "They told us there would be gunfire, and that we'd have to move quickly... There was a little girl there, but I just took the thing from her and left." Gimme a break! I mean, "they told us"?! What about what actually happened? What she "remembered"? Was it a transplanted memory? Has she even seen the damn video? It was as scary in there as a kindergarten pillow fight for Christ's sake.

She's been caught in a massive lie, and now she looks like what she's been all along - Bill Clinton's wife. An American comedian (whose name I forget) once lampooned Hillar's foreing policy "experience" as follows: "I've been a comedian for 20 years, and I've been married for 10 of those years. But I'll bet if my wife gets up on this stage she won't be that funny."

Hillary's foreign policy experience is actually limited to 8 years of pillow talk with her husband while he was President of the United States. It is my humble opinion, therefore, that she should kindly stop telling the world she has any knowledge of how to deal with it.

And next time, she should make sure she gets all copies of the video before going out there and shooting her mouth off.

Palaver

Ok, my friends know I am a man of certain peculiar contradictions. I only drink socially, and then only Guiness, but my fridge is stocked with all kinds of genuinely hard liquor (the only thing missing so far is a bottle of gin, which error I am assidiously working to rectify).

In The Mafia Manager, V said that a thief with no opportunity to steal considers himself an honest man. Of recent, I've found myself relating to that statement. And no, it's not the way you're thinking. See, since I made it out of puberty alive, and began wandering the haphazard minefield called women, I made it a rule to cast a wide net, but once a "fish" was hooked, discard all the rest, and concentrate on she that was "in hand". In other words, I fancied myself a one-woman-man. All these years of clinging to that belief, and now I find my principles being seriously tested. Perhaps I never was truly afforded the opportunity to double-date, and so felt free to take on the label of non-playa. In recent weeks, however, the said opportunity has, shall we say, presented itself. And, to quote my Wafi brothers, na me take my own hand find trouble.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone, I shall refer to as E, and she's fantastic. She's smart as a whip, disgustingly beautiful, and I wouldn't trade her for all the Angelina Jolies in the world. The catch is, she's not here. We talk on the phone a lot, but the last time I saw her was in January. I had to spend Val's day doing, erm, something, erm, of a private nature. Nuff said. The thing is, I love her. She is my heart, my soul.

So, where does this post spring from? About three months ago, I met this other lady, M. At first, it was all "harmless" flirtation, nothing serious. I'd go to her office to transact business, and we'd shoot the breeze. I was on a roll. I became a favoured customer, allowed to jump queues, which in Naija, is a nice option to have. Somewhere along the line, our business relationship became more personal. I'd call her after work, and we'd hang out. Some weekends, we'd spend the whole of Saturday together, indoors, watching movies (get your mind out the gutter). My cousin, who's a girl, started flashing these warning signs in my face. Reminding me I had a girlfriend, and telling me M was some serious competition, and telling me I was allowing M become part of my life. I laughed and said we were just friends, and if it made her feel comfortable, I'd tell M I had a girlfriend, as M had told me she had a boyfriend. Soon after I delivered that piece of news, M and I had a falling out. She picked some issue to quarrel with me over, told me I didn't care about her, and told me not to call her again.

From then on, it was strictly business between us. My "favoured customer" status was revoked, and I whenever I did get to her, it was all mechanical, the banter was gone. I shrugged. No skin off my nose, and all that.

Then I found, to my instant dismay, that I was missing M. It made absolutely zero sense. I even told myself that I must be loco. I asked myself why I cared. But the feeling wouldn't go away, in fact, it got worse. Like an OOBE, I found myself doing things to get her attention. I changed my evening run route so it passed by her office, and then her home. Didn't go in, though. I'm not a stalker. (Feel free to trot out the "opportunity" statement here.) In any event, after doing some things I will not repeat here, M and I got back on speaking terms, then laughing terms, then post-work terms.

The thing is, I have wondered how it was that I allowed M get so deep under my skin. Whether I like it or not, she's actually become E's fierce rival in my head, and once my head goes, the rest of me follows. I know it's not fair to E, since she's not around to directly defend her territory. M is very much like E, especially in my most important category - the ability to have a conversation without feeling like I'm speaking Greek to a Chinese mule.

My feelings for E have not diminished in anyway, in fact they're as strong as they've ever been. But somewhere along the line, I have developed feelings for M that are steadily growing stronger. And I don't know what to do. I could break up with E, which is impossible. I could cut M off completely, which, judging by recent events, stands shoulder-to-shoulder with impossible. Or I could yell "geronimo" and see where this roller-coaster is headed.

Either way, I've now learned what Fela meant when he said "When trouble sleep, yanga go wake am..."

Red Light, Green Light

Ed's Note: I think it's high time I had this particular rant. In fact, it's been a long, long time coming.

When I was a kid, there was a game we played called "Red Light, Green Light". The game was based on the colours of the traffic lights, so someone got to play the traffic light, and the others got to play cars. So, when you heard "red light", you stopped, and when you heard "green light", you moved. The purpose of the game was to get to the position of the "traffc light", and in so doing, you got to take over and exercise some iron-fisted, dictatorial control over the rest of your playmates since no one could move without your say so. But if a player moved before green light was called, the person either got thrown out of the game, or ordered back some steps. And no, no one could play the role of a bullion van.

Now I am an adult, living and working in Abuja, and sometimes I wish I could play that game with Abuja drivers, only, instead of throwing rule breakers out of the game, I'd get a fucking car compactor and crush their fucking cars. Preferrably with them inside. The amount of broken glass I've seen on the road in the last year is enough to build a glass car, complete with glass wheels and a glass engine. I don't know if referrring to many Abuja drivers as maniacal psychopaths would be construed as an insult to true maniacal psychopaths everywhere. They don't stop when they see red lights, they drive on the pedestrian walkway if there's a hold up, and they see absolutely nothing wrong in staying in the turning lane, then heading straight, usually running into someone who was turning.

And don't even get me started on the speed. I know that for many Nigerians, the idea of a road that is both wide and smooth is a fairy tale. But many, on arriving at just such a place, react like they're in heaven, and decide to find out whether the 200 on the speedometer was just put there by the manufacturer or if it's actually an attainable speed. And then, with screeching tyres and melding metal, they're reminded that they're actually on good ole earth.

A couple of nights ago, I watched some idiot total an Inifinti QX9. He approached a corner way too fast, and instead of heading straight and looking for the next U-Turn, he jumped on the brakes and tried to make the turn. (Perhaps he'd just finished watching "The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift" or something.) In any event, with loud squeal of tires, he slammed into the road divider, went airborne, and came to rest against a stop light. And, just to prove that Fortune is indeed blind and takes care of fools, he stumbled out of the wreck with nary a scratch. The wonders of modern engineering, perhaps. Others, though, are not so lucky.

Nigerians appear generally incapable of exercising any sort of self regulation when the authorities decide to abdicate. Whenever I stop to allow others pass, I am assualted by a cacophony of car horns, and other drivers decide to zoom around me since I apparently don't have a destination in mind and am just wandering aimlessly.

Now, in the event of power failure (insert hearty guffaw/snide snicker here) the human back up is expected to kick in to prevent accidents. It is a notorious fact that at several junctions in Abuja, the traffic lights have not worked for so long it would be safe to assume they were installed by an ancient and wonderfully idealistic civilisation.

At these junctions, which are entirely in human hands, you must screw your courage to the sticking place if you're driving towards them at any time between 12 and 2pm. Because that's when the traffic controllers choose to retire to some leafy shade to gist and watch the traffic control itself. Of course, when the inevitable accident occurs, they hop out adjust their uniforms and haul out the trusty rope and blue chalk to apportion blame for the incident. Never mind that they are being paid to make sure that the accident wouldn't occur in the first place.

And, before they start bitching about the lousy pay and poor work conditions, there are some of them who take some pride in what they do. There's a particular guy who can be found at his post rain or shine, and not only does he do his job, he fucking dances while doing it. I guess that makes him special, huh?

In any event, it's only God that keeps one out of the crosshairs of these fucking wacko drivers. And I pray I never run into one. Because I'll fucking murder the bastard.

A Strong PIMP Hand

When President Yar'adua was sworn in, many pointed to the manner of his emergence, and the overwhelming influence of Baba on that process as evidence that Yar'adua would be a mere marionette, and Baba would be pulling the strings. I must admit that part of me shared this view. Then I ran into a certain paramount ruler from the northern part of Nigeria, and in the course of talking polictics, he told me things about Yar'adua which made my jaw drop. I am now seeing some of these things manifested.

President Yar'adua is not a tough-talking, rambunctious, hard-as-nails, general-who-never-fires-blank like his predecessor, but he's certainly demonstrated a capacity for independent thought since he took office. The list of policy positions he has taken in direct contrast or even glaring opposition to Baba is growing daily.

First, he repossessed the refineries in the wake of deafening public outcry, an action Baba would never even have contemplated for a nanosecond. This demonstrated that President Yar'adua was cut from not just a different cloth, but came from a different textile factory entirely. At that time, I rubbed my hands in anticipation of what would come next.

When Ettehgate occured, inside gist had it that Baba prevailed on Yar'adua several times to use his office to save her job. Yar'adua not only refused, he flared up whenever anyone suggested he was going to act to save Etteh. Again, this was a marked departure from the norm under Baba, during whose tenure the very idea of an independent National Assembly would have had the originator of such a perfidious idea immediately sent to pasture. Indeed, the emergence of Senator Ken Nnamani as Senate President was not Baba's idea, and he balked at it, but the Senators, for once, stood up to him and insisted on having their own President for once. And we all know how that turned out for Baba.

Now, Yar'adua is begining to re-examine the entire privatisation process. It started with a Ministerial investigation into the sales of NIOMCO, Delta Steel and Ajaokuta Steel to Gbenga Obasanjo (yes, the same one), and though the full findings of the panel are yet to be revealed, a sneak peek reveals several irregularities, and downright illegalities. This means the "sale" will have to be scrutinised even deeper, and maybe repudiated.

The most recent event involves the "privatisation" of NITEL/Mtel and subsequent takeover by Transcorp. Now, that particular takeover has been plagued by more problems than a pastor in a whorehouse. First, the whole IILL mess cost Llonge his job at First Bank, and the process was stopped. Then the process was restarted, and Baba refused to include the value of Mtel's mobile license ($250 million) and NITEL's considerable equipment and property holdings nationwide in the valuation of the company as it was sold at a knock-down drag-out price to Transcorp.

Then Transcorp came in, brought BT to operate NITEL, and in record time, BT pulled out. Since then, NITEL/Mtel have not had an operator. Salaries have been unpaid, and now the government has gotten fed up with all the delays and excuses, and has passed a resolution ordering Transcorp to make 27% of it's holdings in NITEL/Mtel available for sale to an investor with proper qualifications and experience.

Okereke-Onyiuke, Chairman of Transcorp's Frankensteinian board, has come out to say nothing can be done with NITEL until 2009 under the terms of the privatisation agreement. I think someone should whisper in her ear that she should keep such ideas to herself if she doesn't want to piss off the Federal Government.

A pissed off Federal Government will simply nationalise Transcorp, boot out the board, including herself, and then do what it wants with the assets of the company, including one 5-star Hilton Hotel. And if she doesn't think it's possible, she should talk to Jimoh Ibrahim.

In any event, President Yar'adua is certainly showing us all that his PIMP hand is strong. Very strong.

$16 Billion?!

When the National Assembly began sitting on President Yar'adua's first budget, everyone expected they would be done in time for the Christmas/New Year break. However, this was not to be. This National Assembly refused to simply rubber-stamp the budget, and began exercising their oversight functions for the first time. By using their legal powers, they began making startling discoveries. They found out that there were some secret government accounts containing several hundred billion Naira, which were not reflected in the budget. This was hastily rectified. They found out that there were states who had monies illegally deducted from their allocations to pay off Nigeria's debt by Obasanjo, and ordered the CBN to promptly refund the money. They raised the benchmark crude oil price proposed by Yar'adua. Then they began looking at past expenditure, perhaps merely expecting to get a feel for what their predecessors were prone to doling out. Talk about opening up a barrell of worms.

When it was revealed that Obasanjo's administration had blown $10,000,000,000.00 (Ten Billion Dollars) on the power sector with no results, Nigerians were outraged. For that kind of money, we expected to see some drastic improvements in 8 years, not a steady and accelerating decline. For that kind of money, every bush path in Nigeria should have had a row of working streetlights. For that kind of money, we ought to have consigned that all-time favourite expression of NEPA/PHCN, "load-shedding" to the rubbish heap of archaic expressions. For that kind of money, Nigerian generator importers ought to have started looking for another country to set up shop. For that kind of money, Nigerians should have been smiling.

Last week, Speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon. Dimeji Bankole, revealed that Baba had actually blown $16,000,000,000.00 (Sixteen Billion Dollars) on the power sector. He also revealed that the extra 6 billion was in "extra-budgetary expenditure". Now, perhaps Hon. Bankole was still smarting at the disrespect he was shown at a recent PDP meeting, during which he was told to stay outside while PDP had its caucus meeting and was thus getting his own back, but there have been no denials of his statement. If anything, the silence has been deafening.

$16 Billion is a huge amount of money, and there have so far been no explanations as to where it went. Furthermore, the fact that there was 6 Billion in "extra-budgetary expenditure" must raise our eyebrows for it means 6 Billion unbudgeted dollars were spent on power. This from a government that always cried poverty when told to spend money on education, health and roads.

These revelations add more fuel to the steadily growing clamour for the probe of Baba's tenure, despite the recent clean bill of health handed to him by Uncle Nuhu, who has himself been axed, and banished to Kuru.

How long can President Yar'adua continue to ignore theses calls, especially given his Rule of Law posture? Surely, the Rule of Law doesn't rule out probing a previous administration even if only to ascertain where these huge sums of money went. Or does it?

Home Video

Thunder booms in background, jagged lightning slashes across sky, rapid-fire commentary delivered in "grave" tone, accompanied by video montage almost guaranteed to induce an attack of epilepsy.

Address flashes across screen, listing addresses in Onitsha and Lagos, and leaving viewer to wonder just how many movie companies can occupy not just the same street, but the same address. Screen goes blank...

Mournful song is played containing lyrics telling the entire story of the movie to follow. Ok, you think, since you now know exactly what's going to happen in movie, time to move on. But you've discovered a hidden masochistic streak which glues your butt to the chair. Brain sends message to butt cheeks: "Send all nerve endings into stand-by mode. This is going to be a long one."

Screen slowly brightens, showing village setting. Festival in progress. Flute and drum players take center-stage. "Hey, culture!," you say gleefully, and settle back to watch. Dancers prance on screen, and proceed to gyrate till covered from head to toe in glistening sweat. You check your watch: 30 minutes gone in movie, and still not a word of dialogue. Ok, so it's a musical, you surmise, or perhaps a dance fest. Camera zooms in one scowling figure, one smiling one, and two ovbious love-birds, then pans to dancers, and screen fades to black. Huh? you ask.

Screen brightens again, showing palace, or at least, that's what it looks like. Men gathered in council. Some wearing cotton vests. Er, you ask, wasn't this movie supposedly set in 1403 or something of that nature? Men argue on screen, scowling figure prevalent. You check watch: another 30 minutes have flown by. Screen fades to black.

Screen brightens again. Love-birds shown doing, well, love things. Characters prance around screen, chasing each other, music plays. Screen fades to black. You check watch: another 30 minutes of your life seem to have mysteriously vanished.

Message appears on screen: "To God be the glory" quickly followed by "Watch out for Part 2".

You blink slowly. You try to rise from your seat, but your brain seems unable to restore power to your legs. You sense liquid on your chin, and wipe it away, only to discover it's spittle. You shake your head, wondering where all these damned cobwebs came from. You try to remember your name, and the letters seem to come to you a lot slower than they did a scant 90 minutes ago. Brain gradually reboots, but is sluggish, seems to have been infected by a nasty Trojan.

Congratulations, you have just endured a Nigerian "Home Video"...

(Watch out for Part 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,...)

He's an S.O.B, But...

Once upon a time, certain men were engaged in a war with the then Soviet Union. The men claimed they had the right to independence and self-determination, and were superbly backed up by the U.S. of A, who provided them with sophisticated weapons and training.

Eventually, the leaders of these men were received on the White House lawn in a ceremony, and described by then President of the U.S., Ronald Reagan, as the "moral equivalents of America's founding fathers" while the flashbulbs popped.

These men were from a certain Afghanistan, and were the core leadership of a group within the "resistance" called the Taliban...

You see, back then, it was the in-thing to be anti-Communist, and every Communist or Soviet leaning government became a "regime" in the words of White House Press Releases, and in the publications and broadcasts of the Western press. It didn't matter if these governments were democractically elected, which they usually were.

In Latin America, terrified by the prospect of having Communist governments in its backyard, America sponsored several coups-d'etat, assassinations, and so on. They propped up all manner of repressive, murderous regimes in the name of "strategic allies" and so on.

In Africa, the same thing happened. If you wanted freedom to murder as many of your citizens as you could, while looting your treasury, all you had to do was label them "Communists" and America would send you a care package, and stroll off in the other direction while whistling "Dixie". Nelson Mandela, who was fighting for the emancipation of the Black South African, was labelled a Communist and thrown in jail for twenty-seven years. When the Apartheid regime murdered several hundred unarmed students in Soweto, the Americans did not condemn this action, they simply looked the other way. Britain actively supported the activities of the regime in South Africa, which led to British Petroleum in Nigeria becoming African Petroleum after it was nationalised by an enraged Nigerian government.

In the Middle East, Saddam Hussein of Iraq was free to purchase mustard gas and other biological and chemical weapons as long as he served the purpose of keeping Iran quiet. When he turned the mustard gas on the Kurds in northern Iraq, no one said a damn thing.

The list could go on and on. There are countless instances where a government is elected in a free and fair election, but overthrown by an American sponsored coup because the new President wouldn't have played ball.

These days, anti-Communist has been replaced by anti-Terrorist.

You see, at some point, after the Americans had used them to embarrass the Soviet Union and promptly dropped them, the Taliban got angry. The millions of dollars in aid they had been promised to help them rebuild their shattered country never arrived, and they were, naturally, pissed. They realised they had been a one-war stand with the U.S. who never bothered to call or write afterwards, and they planned their revenge, extracting it spectacularly on September 11, 2001.

America howled in pain and rage, went into Afghanistan, and rooted them out. Suddenly, smart dictators all over the world realised that the new way to consolidate their power had arrived, and none jumped on the bandwaggon faster than one Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.

You see, General Musharraf had a serious problem - America wasn't too happy with his military dictatorship status, and was begining to make serious noises about forcing him out of power. For him, therefore, September 11, 2001 was like a gift from God, and he seized it with both hands. Quickly, he made all the right noises, and all the right actions, mounting military campaigns against Al-Qaeda "strongholds" in Pakistan, and by so doing, become America's new best friend. Having consolidated his position as a "strategic ally" he decided the time was right to focus on extending his rule in Pakistan.

At the time the people of Pakistan are demanding elections be held in a free and fair atmosphere, General don't-let-the-safari-suit-fool-ya Musharraf suddenly declared a state of emergency, shut down all private radio and television stations, arrested all "hostile" judges and hounded all notable oppostion figures into hiding or jail. He's made it a point of duty to arrest all persons of learning, especially the lawyers, and toss them all in the clink, thereby depriving the opposition of an intellectual front.

America, has of course, remained resolutely silent, and apart from the usual diplomatic noises, has refused to unequivocally tell the General that his actions are unacceptable, and everyday that passes emboldens Musharraf to abrogate some new freedom of his "subjects".

This is because America's policy with regard to repressive, totalitarian regimes can be summed up in one sentence: "He's an S.O.B, but, by God, he's OUR S.O.B!"

What's Good For The Goose...

Some time ago, Hamas terrorists operating out of Southern Lebanon crossed the border into Israel and abducted four Israeli soldiers who were on patrol. Hamas then demanded the release of some of its members who were languishing in Israeli prisons in exchange for the four soldiers.

Israel declared it would not negotiate with terrorists, then launched a bombing campaign on Hamas held areas in Lebanon. Hamas retaliated by launching missile attacks on Israel. What happened next stunned everyone. Israel, in the name of "cutting off supplies to Hamas" proceeded to bomb every single bridge in Lebanon. When that was done, Israel then proceeded to utterly destroy the Beirut International Airport. When the Lebanese President protested, he was told that the destruction of his country's infrastructure was his punishment for failing to control Hamas.

George W. Bush went on air to say Israel was fully justified in its actions, even when it became clear that the bombing campaign was no longer about four kidnapped soldiers, but rather about (in the words of an Israeli general) "setting Lebanon's infrastructure back twenty years". When the bombing moved to schools and hospitals, Israel said Hamas was hiding it's members in those places. When the bodies of children were brought out of the smoking rubble, Israel naturally maintained a stony silence.

It took months of international pressure to end the bombing. I will never forget the sight of the Lebanese president talking about what Israel was doing to his country, and breaking down in tears on international television. The lesson America and Israel taught the world during that period was quite simple - if some terrorist attacks your country, you make his government pay.

Now, that lesson looks set to return to bite the Americans in the ass. Kurdish terrorists, operating out of Northern Iraq, crossed the border into Turkey, and murdered 17 Turkish soldiers. Turkey has been having problems with the Kurds for a while now, and were probably among those who were sad to see Saddam Hussein go, as he was responsible for keeping the Kurds quiet. Indeed, Turkey denied the U.S. permission to overfly their territory during the invasion of Iraq.

With the attack on its soldiers, Turkey began contemplating military action in Iraq. Syria and Iran, being perrenial trouble-makers, were quick to state they would fully support any military action undertaken by the Turks. There are no prizes for guessing which example was cited by Syria and Iran as their precedent for dealing with the Kurdish terrorists. The Kurds hastily offered a cease-fire which was rejected out of hand by Turkey. The Turkish people took to the streets demanding a response from their government.

Seeing that they would now have to either engage Turkey in military action in violation of their NATO treaty, or step aside and let Turkey destroy their new vacation location for oil executives, America and Britain threw themselves on their knees and begged Turkey not to retaliate.

By Israeli precedent, Turkey could bomb Baghdad back to the Stone Age (whichever parts the Americans have not yet destroyed), they could bomb every road, bridge, and footpath to cut off the Kurds from their supplies, they could bomb the airports, the sea ports, etc., and should the puppet government in Iraq complain, they will be told that it is their punishment for failing to control the Kurds. And when they run out of infrastructure to destroy, they can then face the job of destroying hospitals and schools to make sure no Kurdish terrorists are hiding within.

Turkey may not choose the military option, but it's nice to know that if they do, they'll only be following the example of America and Israel and opening a new chapter in the "War of Terror".

The Burden Of History

Is it just me, or has Baba been sounding more and more like a petulant child of recent? First of all, he whined on and on about being stuck in a Lagos traffic jam for three hours. If I were in his shoes, I would have been overjoyed to have gotten out of the traffic jam without being lynched by irate Nigerians, or falling victim to the numerous armed robbers who treat traffic jams the way lions treat herds of buffalo.

Next, Baba whined that he'd stopped reading Nigerian newspapers because the journalists were always criticising him. This coming from a man who once had (or still has) a sign outside Ota Farm saying, "Women, Dogs, and Journalists Not Welcome"!

Now, Baba has issued perhaps his most famous gaffe yet. He's said that he doesn't listen to those who criticise his tenure because "History" would judge him. I am not 100% certain, but I think the impact of his butt hitting terra firma must have scrambled the old man's brains.

In case his Special Advisers (whose advice he famously declared he didn't have to take, despite having so many of them) forgot to mention it, his tenure officially became historical material on May 29, 2007. Once he handed over to Yar'adua, any detractors of his were free to line up batteries of artillery and take as many shots at his reign as they desired. They can now call him a liar, thief, dictator, corrupt man, etc. for one simple reason - he no longer has the coercive power of the state to crush them. And they will revel in their new found freedom. In any event, whether it's 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades, or even 3 millenia from now, History will remember Baba's tenure for the following events:

1. Incessant fuel price hikes.
2. Inability to reform power sector despite several arrogant boasts, eventually blamed woes on "saboteurs".
3. Inability to restore refineries despite billions of naira spent.
4. Increase in militant activities, crippling foreign investment in Niger-Delta, and leading to the loss of billions of naira.
5. Rampant corruption at all levels of government.
6. Monumentally fraudulent elections in 2003.
7. Astronomically fraudulent elections in 2007.
8. Use of anti-corruption agencies to harrass and intimidate political opponents.
9. Kidnap of a sitting governor with no repercussions for perpetrators.
10. Rampant disregard for court orders.
11. Blatant theft of public parastatals by government officials (including Baba) through "privatisation" fire sales.
12. Introduced and sustained an enabling environment for the continued rape of Nigerians by GSM companies.
13. The Senate President Relay Race.
14. Incessant throat clearing.
15. Attempted and failed to amend constitution to give himself third term as President.

And this is by no means an exhaustive list.

So, in my capacity as an "amateur" historian, I would give Baba a pass mark for his tenure. Why, you wonder? Well, if only for the fact that all his other failures were outweighed by his failure to get a third term. That, at least, brought unbridled joy and happiness to Nigerians, and for giving us all the opportunity to point fingers and laugh (at him) he should be fondly remembered.