Men, Mice, And Cheese

Often in life, there comes a time when a man is expected to stand up and be counted. To prove he is a man and not a mouse, to show some backbone, some steel in his character, and what not. It is true that most men run away from such moments with their tails firmly tucked between their legs. But, every once in a while, one man decides to stand up and bare his teeth in a fierce response to the challenge. Such men are rare, and the act of standing up usually creates legends. Indeed, a man who stands up to be counted usually inspires others around him to do the same. They draw from his courage to feed their own, and thereby he creates a chain reaction. Such men are to be found in times of great adversity for their people, and they usually lead their nations to greatness.

Sadly, we are lacking such men in Nigeria. This is not to say that there are not those among us who display remarkable courage and moral fibre in the snake pit we call our political class. Senate President Ken Nnamani is such a man. During the Third Term brouhaha, Sen. Nnamani displayed courage in ensuring the entire constitutional amendment process was transparent. Those who sought to perpetrate crimes against the Nigerian people under the cover of darkness suddenly found powerful light shone upon their criminal activities. Repeatedly, they pleaded with the Senate President to switch off the light and allow them continue, and he repeatedly reminded them that he had no such power – the Nigerian people wanted to see what was going on, and by God, he was going to make sure they did. With no place to hide, the third term advocates failed woefully to extend Baba's tenure. Naturally, Baba never forgave Nnamani for thwarting him, and resolved to embarrass him should he decide to seek re-election. Nnamani avoided that trap with great skill – he simply declared that he had no intention of running again, thereby denying Baba his pound of flesh.

During the last vote allocation exercise laughably called an election, Nnamani again showed he was on the side of the masses by speaking out against the conduct of the elections, and Baba's henchmen were quick to hurl insults at him for doing so. When Baba sought to extend the emergency rule in Ekiti State, Nnamani immediately reconvened the Senate and blocked that plan. Incandescent with rage, Baba's people began accusing Nnamani of treason. Treason! For doing his constitutional job. Nnamani has taken all this with admirable equanimity. A lesser man would have been quick to exchange words with Squealers like Frank Nweke Jr. Nnamani rather chose the higher path, and Baba's boys are still wondering how to deal with him.

Nnamani has been a true hero of Nigeria's modern history.

Prior to Nnamani, during the 1993 Elections, Henry Nwosu, then Chairman of the National Electoral Commission, also showed his heroic credentials. When he was ordered to stop releasing the results of the Presidential Elections by Maradona, he refused, and continued releasing results until his office was sealed off by soldiers. But for his bravery, M.K.O Abiola would not have known that he won the elections, and he would have had no basis for the fight for his mandate which would eventually cost him his life.

Which brings me to Maurice Iwu. A true rat among mice. He made all the right noises initially, gave some of us cause to hope. He promised to lay down his life to ensure we had credible elections, and Nigerians resolved that if he matched his stated ambitions with action, he would have our unflinching support. Some cynics told us that Iwu was being primed to fail, and no one should place any trust or hope in him. I told myself that that was said about virtually every new government appointee, and joined those who felt Iwu should be given a chance. Besides, aren't some cynics just optimists in disguise? Boy, were we disappointed. I took Chxta's advice about elections seriously – I registered to vote, something I've never bothered to do in the past, and was looking forward to participating in the electoral process, and getting a first-hand view of proceedings. But from that point onwards, it was all downhill. First of all, I never got my voter's card on the same day as advertised, but was told to return the following day. In spite of repeated visits to the registration point, my card didn't turn up. Eventually, I took the matter to a friend at the INEC Office, and was told that “perhaps” my card had ended up somewhere beyond Mararaba. I live and work in Wuse, registered to vote in Wuse, how the hell did my card end up in what is effectively Nassarawa State, with a “perhaps” attached? The bureaucratic process involved in retrieving my card would have made a saint hopping mad. Thus disenfranchised, I duly sat out the elections fuming with anger.

Throughout the gubernatorial elections, I was glued to AIT, and the reports of late arrival of voting materials, non-arrival in several parts of the country, thuggery at polling stations, etc. made me despair. The cynics were being proved right. Then the results began coming in, and I finally gave up. PDP here, PDP there, PDP everywhere. From that point on, I knew I had to accept the painful truth – the cynics were right all along. The most massively unpopular party in Nigeria was being given a clean sweep of seats everywhere. The Delta State results literally numbed the muscles of my jaw. Everyone knew Emmanuel Uduaghan had less than a snowball's chance hell of winning that election, yet he was being declared the winner by such an extravagantly comfortable margin.

It made me wonder about the nature of power and men. Prior to the elections, Maurice Iwu sounded like the man for the job. I hoped he would draw from the courageous examples of those around him, men like Nnamani and Nwosu, but as the elections got closer and closer, Maurice began saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things. He began setting off alarm bells amongst all pro-democracy people in the country. INEC suddenly transformed itself into the mouthpiece of the PDP, and Maurice became an extension of Baba.

Now that he's “delivered”, I have only one question for Professor Iwu – did they pay you in silver or cheese, you rat f***?

The Devil's Advocate

Fellow Nigerians, the elections have come and gone, and contrary to what detractors of this great administration would have Nigerians believe, they were a resounding success. The meticulous planning and attention to detail of Prof. Maurice Iwu came to the fore as the venerable Professor oversaw an election that raised the bar for future INEC chairmen very high indeed.

Fellow Nigerians, it is an open secret that from the onset, the commission was plagued with logistics and human resources problems. These problems were met head-on by Prof. Iwu, who displayed all the savvy of a general on the battlefield. The professional government critics among us, instead of proffering solutions, or at least joining hands with INEC to ensure that the elections were successful, chose to go about town proclaiming that INEC was being positioned to deliver a tailor-made result to the ruling PDP. These people have now been put to shame.

Fellow Nigerians, it is no secret that this year's elections were fraught with problems, and indeed, an election in Nigeria would be incomplete without the usual cases of thuggery, attempted ballot box snatching, etc., but what made this year's elections stand out was that Prof. Iwu foresaw and made provisions for handling such recalcitrant individuals. Those who attempted to snatch the peoples' mandate were duly given a taste of the long arm of the law at its very fiercest. As a result, the area boys learned quickly that this was one election where the rule of law would reign supreme.

Fellow Nigerians, INEC sought to prevent a known crook in Vice-President (how it galls me to call him that) Atiku Abubakar from contesting and tarnishing our great electoral process with his presence. The Supreme Court ruled that INEC had no such power to restrain Atiku, and INEC immediately complied with the judgement by making sure that all ballot papers to be used in the Presidential Elections carried Atiku's picture, and the logo of his party. INEC had indeed often stated its readiness to comply with court judgements. As for the Supreme Court ruling, all I can say is that the situation is similar to a police officer arresting a thief red-handed only to be told to release him because he had no power to arrest such a crook. Indeed, the decision of the Court was better in the end for Atiku and his “teeming” supporters, as he was allowed to contest a free and fair election, and was resoundingly trashed at the polls. Nigerians voted, and they said in a loud voice that they did not want Atiku to rule this nation. That the man has been crying foul ever since the results were announced only shows the fundamental flaws in his character. A real man, a man of integrity and honour, such as Atiku has claimed to be, must be one who knows how to lose with dignity.

Fellow Nigerians, the situation in Imo state was also particularly interesting for INEC. The PDP substituted the name of its gubernatorial candidate in Ifeanyi Ararume with that of a person deemed by the party to be better suited for the job. Ararume went to court, and secured a judgement declaring him to be the rightful candidate for the elections. INEC immediately demonstrated its willingness to comply with the judgement, but alas, the PDP decided to expel Ararume, and withdraw from the race. Unforeseeable logistics and human problems however, forced INEC to cancel the elections in Imo state and reschedule them for the 28^th of April. Of course, the naysayers are out in force, declaring that the postponement is merely a ploy by the PDP to buy some time to produce a candidate for the elections. This is preposterous in the extreme.

Fellow Nigerians, everywhere people lost in these elections, they have cried foul. This attitude cuts across party lines, and is truly saddening. Why is it that some Nigerian politicians have refused to learn how to take defeat with grace and dignity? I know it hurts to lose, but the endless posturing and shouting is shameful.

Fellow Nigerians, the international observers were greatly impressed with what they saw of the elections and praised Prof. Iwu for his courage, administrative skill, leadership, and organisational ability. To a man they proclaimed these elections as a watershed in the history of electioneering in Africa, and urged other nations to take a page from our book. High praise indeed, especially coming from the same quarters that were so critical of the 2003 elections. Prof. Iwu can bow out with his head held high for he has laid down a foundation to be built upon in future.

Fellow Nigerians, we must now prepare to move forward – we have a President-elect in Umaru Yar'adua, a man of quiet strength, moral integrity and financial probity, who is ready to build on the great work of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, and take our great nation to the next level. This is not the time for petty recriminations and blame trading. If we look to the so-called “advanced nations” of the world, we will see that the elections process was not invented perfect. There were flaws, which were worked out over time, and gradually minimised, but not eradicated. The election of President Bush in 2000 showed that even America, the most advanced democracy in the world, still had problems with it's election process.

Fellow Nigerians, I strongly urge that we all join hands to help in moving our nation forward.

Long live the Federal Republic Of Nigeria, and God bless you all.

And, by the way, if you actually believe the general thrust of this article, you need help.


Seriously.

Truth Will Ouch

Well, well, well.

The intrigues, visits to the Villa and so on have all floundered finally. Atiku can now hold his head up high and claim he has been vindicated. For the most part anyway. The Senate Panel set up to review the report of the PTDF investigating Committe has tossed, thrown, and discarded the planks on which Obasanjo had built his campaign against Atiku, Adenuga and Fasawe. The Panel has said:

1. The money deposited in ETB had no direct link to any business involving Globacom.
2. The money deposited in TIB had no direct link to any business involving Fasawe or NDTV.
3. And, here's the screamer, even the $20 million dollars was gotten from Atiku by deception.

Atiku was basically, a dope. Of course, he couldn't be allowed to waltz off into the sunset, so they made sure he'd be facing the Code of Conduct Bureau. If I were in Turaki's shoes, I'd be hopping mad with delight. By virtue of these findings, the EFCC Report has been stripped of whatever toga of respectability it claimed, and must now parade naked as what it truly is - a comically inept hatchet job by a vindictive president.

Adenuga can now return home in peace, although, if Ghana is half what people say it is, he might just choose to relocate his family and business there, so he can live without fear of Ribadu sending in a battalion of policemen to kick down his doors and smash his windows.

Fasawe has been vindicated also, for the Panel said there was nothing to link him to PTDF money. Of course, the officials of the bank should face some sanction for repeatedly "loaning" vast sums of money to a man without collateral, all because he was a friend to people in power. This money worshiping attitude of banks needs to be checked.

Now, on to President Olusegun Obasanjo. The General-who-never-fires-blank must have been wondering exactly what kind of ammo he left home with this morning. Who knows, they might have been blanks. For, suddenly, Baba has found himself indicted by the Senate for illegal application of PTDF (public) funds. That shouts corruption louder than anyone could ever try. So, what the Panel has found is the very same thing many have maintained for a long time - Baba is a corrupt man. Of course, Uba Sani has been quick to brand the report a "calculated smear campaign" and accuse the Senators of not taking Baba's "explanations" into account. He also claimed the projects lampooned were within the "broader" scope of the PTDF's mandate.

Abeg, Mallam, explain how incorporating a private company with public funds falls within the PTDF's "broader" mandate. Or the purchase of computers for civil servants, when there are provisions for that within the Federal Budget each year. Or printing photographs for the State House Library. What have these to do with Petroleum Technology?

The fact that Baba had to go and get retroactive approval for these things from his boys at the FEC simply showed there was no public spirit in his actions.

The Senate Panel has finally given Nigerians the truth, and all Baba can say is:

YEEEOOWWW!!!!

Baba's Election Campaign

When George Bush Sr. decided to run for President of the United States in 1988, he had the full and unconditional support of then President, Ronald Regan. You see, George had been a loyal and capable Vice-President for 8 years, and had stood by his oga throughout the vastly embarassing Iran-Contra mess. He was even responsible for deflecting some of the heat from his boss by saying, "I know we've made mistakes, but let's not throw out the baby with the dishes." (As you can see, it does run in the family.)

So, when he decided to take over from his retiring boss, Ronnie threw his full weight behind him. Regan could be seen at campaign events, holding George's hand up high, and telling America that this was their man. Hell, Regan even appeared on his behalf at events George couldn't go to in person...

Of course, that never happened. The American people would have screamed blue murder if affairs of state were left to suffer in the name of Campaigning. But that's America, and dem too get mout sef.

I know that in Naija, we do our own a bit differently, but from the way Baba has been acting recently, you'd be hard pressed to argue with anyone who said Baba was campaigning for re-election or something. If you pointed out to such a person that Baba was constitutionally barred from running again having already served two terms, the person could easily counter by pointing out that only a man seeking office for himself could campaign so energetically.

NEPA or PHCN is in a state of total collapse, all across the nation, trade in candles and generators has boomed to unprecedented levels, but Baba doesn't care because he's in some place or the other telling people to "vote" for Yar'Adua.

Refineries are not working, but Baba is campaigning, if the Cameroonians invaded today, they'd probably be able to capture Baba because he's somewhere around Bayelsa, campaigning.

When the rumors that Yar'Adua was dead began flying around like hungry mosquitoes, it was Baba who personally debunked the rumors by calling Yar'Adua from Ogun state to enquire about his health, live on TV. Baba was, of course, dressed in the colours of the campaign organisation for the day.

The country is ailing because all Baba cares about now is installing his puppet successor.

P.S. In what Chxta has rightly described as a masterstroke, Baba gave Turaki full and unfettered access to the Presidential Jet to fly abroad for knee surgery. Coming at a time when most Nigerians were still fuming over Umaru's rushing abroad for treatment after "collapsing" at a PDP rally, it gave people a chance to say that Umaru and Turaki are birds of the same feather. It was a move of which Maradona would have been proud. I must doff my cap to Baba for his brilliance.

Politricking and the EPCC

So, some people named by the Uncle Nuhu's organisation the EPCC (Economic and Political Crimes Commission) have been cleared by Baba's new "Administrative Panel of Iniquity". Nuhu has not apologised to those besmirched by his wild accusations however, and continues posturing like a gladiator in the Arena.

If Nuhu were an honorable man, he would since have tendered an unreserved public apology to the innocent men whose reputations he may well have scarred for life. As Chxta pointed out, certain names were conspicuous by their absence, not least those of Lucky and the Sheikh. Perhaps it's because they have wisely decided not to contest any other office, at least for now.

It is, however, a collective backhand on the intelligence of Nigerians (whose faces have perhaps been numbed by the sheer number and velocity of slaps they've recieved down the years) to suggest that there was nothing political about the now infamous list.

Not only did it serve to distract candidates from their campaigns, it also served to cast some doubts as to their credibility to the general public. Of course, most (if not all) will shrug and carry on with their lives as though nothing untoward happened, but I would really love one of them to sue the S.O.B. for defamation of character, slander, etc. (As long as he was one of those cleared, of course.)

We know Baba has declared the elections to be a do-or-die affair, in complete disregard for the climate of live-and-let-live that others have been trying hard to promote, and we know that when Baba sneezes, Nuhu catches Bird Flu. We then have to wonder what comes next. What will Baba pull out now from his formidable bag of tricks? A white elephant, perhaps? Or, failing that, a pig with wings?

On Orji Kalu's interview, my internet connection is pretty useless, so I've been unable to watch it, but if he suffered some man-made grammatical misconceptions in his deployment of the Queen's lingo, we should try to understand that just like Sir Shina Peters said, grammar no bi money.

Abeg, Orji-nwanem, no mind all dis jelos pepol. Meanwhile nna, if you wan sen sometin kom, my akount numba na....

That EFCC List

Hi there folks. Been a while, I know, but I've recently become a statistic and am still trying to come to terms with that. In case you were wondering, the statistic is Unemployed Nigerian Youth. Well, being from the Niger-Delta, I believe we all know what my options are... Ehem.

Anyway, Baba, the great man, wonderful leader, general-who-never-fires-blank, and all-round tough guy, recently ordered Uncle Nuhu to release a list of 137 "corrupt/unfit-for-public-office" individuals and there are no prizes for guessing who tops the list. That's right, Turaki is our numero uno criminal. The fact that the list screams "witchhunt" in 30 metre high letters is no deterrent to Baba and his cronies.

Take Ondo state for example. The man contesting the Senatorial seat with Iyabo, who has never held any public office by the way, is on the EFCC list. When they interviewed Baba's new Fani-Kayode on Channels TV this morning, he said you didn't have to hold public office to be corrupt, and in fact, the list was drawn up based on petitions recieved by the EFCC. Hmmm... Petitions. Not concluded investigations. Petitions. Right. So, if I were to send in a petition about say, Bode George, his name would make the list, no? Wait. EFCC already did investigate and indict Bode George, but strangely he hasn't been arrested. Baba did promise there would be no sacred cows. Perhaps Bode George is a sacred goat then? You never know.

It is also no surprise that Papa Decieve Pikin had the largest number of corrupt individuals on the list, something like 58 names in all. Clearly therefore, Baba's list has shown Nigerians that his party is in fact the most corrupt in Nigeria, and by extension Africa. (PDP is the "largest party in Africa" according to its statisticians.) How this man can then ask Nigerians to vote for PDP with a straight face beggars belief.

While I would dearly love to know just how Turaki made his money, and I also know that he wont be President come May 29, I think we should all be grateful to him for making sure that Baba wont be President beyond May 29.

As for those who say Yar'adua is a weakling and will only do the bidding of Baba, all I have to say is this:

Give a rat eba, and he will ask for a bowl of soup with bushmeat and stockfish, and cold beer to wash it down.

Merry New Year

As I write this, my year of suffering is drawing to its inevitable conclusion - we shall be required to, for the last time, put on our itchy uniforms and stand in the blazing sun while some government assholes harangue us from their comfortable seats and shaded pavilions with hackneyed speeches about how best to serve our nation now that we are no longer compelled to do so. They will then give prizes to the best brown-nosers, boot-lickers, snitches, finks, and ass-kissers. Then we will be ordered to sing the anthem one last time, and merrily tossed to the hungry, droolingly anticipating maws of the Nigerian "job market".

Of course, with my days of being a Federal government pikin coming to a close, my banker takes time out from his busy schedule to send me daily reminders that there shall be no more credit, slack, etc. The last note even mentioned that I should note that I would no longer be allowed to stroll into his office without an appointment. Frankly, the harassment is getting old. I've enjoyed this line of credit for more than 2 decades now, and have provided free services to the man on a personal level for almost as long. Perhaps Uncle Nuhu has been sniffing around his office, and he's getting nervous, but even so the amounts involved are puny. I can only hope to give him solid reasons to keep our arrangement open as it would be extremely difficult to get another "understanding" banker at this point in time.

Over the Christmas/New Year period, I got to understand exactly how soldiers feel when walking in sniper-infested areas. My voice changed several times between December 20th and January 8th or thereabouts as I had to simulate several nasty throat infections, colds, coughs, etc. in order to explain my "shocking" failure to provide Christmas presents for some members of the fairer (but not weaker - and I most solemnly urge all men to abandon that idea) sex who were under the impression that somehow, somewhere, they had been given the title Deed to my wallet.

The catfight/muckraking/mudslinging between Turaki and Baba reached interesting proportions when Turaki arrived the National Assembly and turned the tables so securely on his traducers that all Baba's collective spin doctors could do was mumble something about Turaki lying under oath while looking like snakes trying desperately to swallow several boiled eggs at once.

Funsho Williams' widow won the Lagos State PDP primaries only for her victory to be snatched from her amid statements that a "Lagos man" was needed to give PDP a chance in the elections. (Hilda Williams hails from Rivers State, in case you were wondering.) Once again, the issue raised wasn't whether or not she had a chance to win the state, and I wager she'd have given her opponent a massive fight with the sympathy votes she would have garnered over the as-yet (and probably never-to-be) unresolved murder of her husband, but rather that she wasn't an indigene of the state. I wonder how we are ever going to build one Nigeria with this kind of utter nonsense going on.

Anyways, to those who travelled, I say welcome back, and to those who, like someone-I-will-not-name ended up seeking warmth in the interior of a refrigerator, I say the cold won't last too long.

Have a happy 2007 all, and may it actually bring us happiness.

It Is A Rat Race Time

Scientists have long understood the value of rats in conducting their experiments. Rats:

1. Don't have a union.
2. Don't complain about hours of work.
3. Swallow whatever they're given without complaint.
4. Work for cheese! That's right. Chesse!

Anyway, the list could go on and on, but today isn't about the value of rats to the scientific community, however misleading the opening paragraph might have been. In a way, though, it is about the value of a certain kind of rat to a certain kind of scientist. (For the purpose of this thesis, we shall hereinafter refer to the rats as Maradona, Turaki, or Fine-Boy etc., and the scientist will simply be called "Baba".)

Now, anyone who has ever spent time watching the Discovery Channel will see how rats are put in a maze with cheese at the centre, and then have to find their way to the cheese in the shortest possible time. And, while it may be fun to watch, it also serves a valuable educational purpose in that it shows that the rats can actually learn the maze, and the one that proves the smartest is usually upgraded to the testing of potentially dangerous medicines for the betterment of mankind. We can't have an army of smart rats running loose you know.

Anyway, Maradona collected a "form" a couple of weeks back, and in keeping with his time-honored tradition of keeping everyone guessing, has refused to state exactly what office he would be contesting. This has led to numerous column inches in the papers speculating that he'll be going for the Presidency, we might all be surprised, and he'll declare for dog-catcher.

Turaki has continued his valiant fight to clear his name/triumph over his enemies/humiliate Baba (take your pick) and duly declared for the Presidency. The logo of the party he would be contesting under was, however, conspicuous by its absence. Some people had suggested he would be declaring for the Aksion Congress *koff* *koff* *wheeze* Sorry, dust from all the broom waving. I duly pointed out to them that Turaki, while not a very subtle fellow, was hardly a foolhardy one. Declaring for a party other than People Deceive People would see him impeached and a guest of Uncle Nuhu in record time. He didn't disappoint me. The first Independent Candidate, anyone? Anyone? Bah, you guys are no fun.

Fine-Boy-No-Pimples, or Fine Boy for short, also threw his hat into the ring after much Julius Caesaring around the issue. Despite his "overwhelming" support, however, all his pretty boy looks can earn him is a spot as some other guy's mate. Not that kind of mate. Sheesh. Get your minds out of the gutter.

The Doctor of Thuganomics has been flexing his muscles, but after claiming from every rooftop he could forcibly commandeer that Baba was the only one for us, his campaign seems rather hollow to me. Even though he has gone to the trouble of putting up billboards on virtually every junction in Abuja.

Obong has...Obong is... Obong will.... No need.

Anyway, which brings us to the Ringmaster of this particular circus, the General-who-never-fires-blank, Commander of all Garrisons, and all round tough guy, Baba. What more could I say about this guy? Every time you think he's pulled the ultimate stunt, he tops himself. The way he's handled this particular sequence of events must have even Maradona (no slouch himself) fairly swooning in admiration. The Voters' Registration machines aren't nearly enough to go round, we have soldiers in every state capital waiting for the other shoe to drop, every Governor walks around terrified of his own shadow, and we are all waiting to see whose head rolls off the block next. In the midst of all this, Baba continues clearing his throat (could someone please suggest he see an ENT Specialist?) and assuring us everything dey kamkpe.

Anyway, the rats have been released into the maze, some more handicapped than others, and we're all watching to see which one gets to the cheese first, if he'll get to enjoy it, and more importantly, whether Baba will even let the race begin.

On The Verge Of History?

With ol Jorge's boys being kicked out of the Capitol by a fed-up American Electorate (far too late in my humble opinion), it was understandable and indeed expected that a huge sense of reilief and euphoria swept the globe. A major part of the revolution in Washington is that Congress is set to get its first-ever female Speaker. Naturally, this development has provoked joyful choruses from oppressed womenfolk the world over, who see it as a stepping stone for a first female President of the United States.

Even with this in mind though, I was sorely underprepared for the the back page of This Day on Saturday, November 11, 2006 which contained an article titled "On The Verge of History". Not only did the piece claim that women were better at delivering results, setting goals, etc. than men, it went further to claim women were better leaders than men, period.

I'm no chauvinist (which would normally mean I am) and I'm truly all for womens' rights, but before the bra-burning brigade dismisses all men have done with a wave of the hand, let me chip in my two cents for my maligned species. Yes, men have been responsible for many major disasters, and have led humanity to the brink of extinction on more than one occassion. However, many of the worst have had women vociferously cheering them on.

Sani Abacha had Maryam on standing ovation duty, Eva Perron (forget Madonna's version) gleefully bragged about her collection of thousands of pairs of shoes while the poor in her country starved, Eva Braun was there to massage Adolf Hitler's temples whenever the pressures of trying to enslave the world threatened to overwhelm him, and Marie Antoinette was immortalised, then beheaded (or was it the other way round?) for her statement that if the poor couldn't afford bread, then they should eat cake! The list could go on forever.

Conversely, I suppose Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, and Jesus Christ must have been women in drag, such were their leadership skills.

The funny thing is this - whenever women begin spouting their demands for equality and so on, they tend to draw the line when it comes to paying for dinner and the movie. They'll insist to the death that those are "men's jobs".

Women already wield far too much power in the world as it is. For, while we learned to run fast, climb trees, ride bikes and so on all in a bid to use our physical prowess to impress girls, they were being taught to use subliminal imagery and psychology to control us. Which is why all the muscle in the world won't stop her from wathcing that sappy romantic movie while your football match is on. And when she demands you sit beside her and forget about the Champions League/World Cup Final, you'll mumble and mutter then plonk your ass down on the couch and beg for popcorn with an idiot grin on your face. Yet they're asking for more direct power.

And they call us "power hungry"?

A Day In The Life

7.00am: Eyes wide open. Tony and the boys sing "You're simply the best." Feel like Prince Akeem.

7.30am: Bound out of bed, and immediately regret rash decision. Back screaming blue murder. Tony and the boys immediately by my side singing "The world's greatest." Must put brave face on.

7.45am: Start shaving. Tony and the boys sing "You are so beautiful."

8.30am: Shave done, time for shower. Tony and the boys sing "You and I."

9.30am: Bloody cold water. Anyway time to see what I approved for airing on NTA last night. Will enjoy with cup of cocoa from farm. Tony and the boys sing "You're the inspiration."

9.35am: *splutter* What! Another crash? Kemaaaaaa! Kemaaaaaa! K.... (Looks down) Oh, there you are. Take that out of your mouth for a second. Why aren't you at your ministry? I removed you? When? So Borishade is in charge now? Ok. Get him for me. Tony and the boys strike up tune of "You're a heartbreaker." Silenced by royal glare.

10.00am: Prominent Nigerians dead in crash. Must remember to smear alligator pepper under eyelids. Oh for the days when onions did the trick. Tony and the boys sing "You light up my life." So difficult to stay mad at them...

10.00am: Ah, the kpomo has arrived. Time for breakfast. Tony and the boys sing "You take my breath away."

10.30: Stroll around Villa, practising speech. The words all sound rather familiar though... Tony and the boys hum "Without you."

12noon: Done with speech practice. Throat hurts. Tony and the boys sing "You are my heaven."

1.00pm: Time to read back page of This Day. Tony and the boys sing "You are the sunshine of my life."

2.30pm: Done reading. Head hurts, eyes blurry. Time for power nap. Tony and the boys sing "You give me love."

4.00pm: My, how time flies. Must rise from couch. *sniff sniff* Lunch is ready. Tony and the boys sing "You are my destiny."

4.50pm: Deliver speech. Strange stony silence from crowd. Why is the hall empty, and what the hell is that box staring at m.... Oh, I'm in the studio.

4.50pm: Tony and the boys share congratulations on brilliant speech, sing "You are my number one."

5.00pm: Time to sign some State of Emergency Declarations. I told them to arrange these things in alphabetical order. Don't they know Ebonyi comes before Anambra?! Tony and the boys sing "We can last forever."

6.55pm: Done signing declarations. Had long debate with self over Declaration for Abuja. Nasiru has done such a fine job so far... Tony and the boys sing "You can do it."

7.00pm: Time for light snack before dinner. Hear the cook is making pounded yam with egusi and plenty kpomo. Must remember to leave space. Tony and the boys sing "You are wonderful."

8.30pm: *belch* Snack was great. Time for dinner. Tony and the boys try to sing through full mouths. Cut them short with scowl.

10.00pm: Dinner was just fab. Time for bed. Oga Tony Blair is having his hair cut tomorrow morning. Can't afford to be late for the party. Tony and the boys sing "Unchained Melody." It's good to be King.

The Giant Strikes Again

In my university days, I earned the nickname waka waka for I enjoyed taking leisurely strolls around campus. Especially at night. So, whilst my more serious colleagues were either in class, or resting from the days exertions, or out working off the stress in the clubs, I strolled.

I particularly enjoyed walking around from 11pm onwards for at that time, vehicular traffic would be at a minimum, if not non-existent, and I would have the freedom of the roads. Why, would a young man spend his time walking around instead of reading his books, you wonder. Well, I had to keep the old Legediz Benz tuned up, and thanks to the walking, my odometer has crawled around to zero several times.

At Camp, not a few people thought I would keel over during the Endurance Trek. As a result, the vast numbers of slack-jawed persons watching me not only trek, but jog in some instances, was truly priceless. As a friend put it, they were witnessing the “eight wonder of the world.” At the end, I got several pats on the back from people who said they couldn’t handle the trek and they thought they were in shape.

When I moved into town, and discovered the wonders of okada, I put my Legediz Benz away, and began using it like any luxury vehicle for short trips only. It was truly delightful to travel long distances on a bike for as little as 60 bucks in some cases. I actually enjoyed taking bikes because I no send anibodi. But, as they say, good things never last. Like Al Pacino, just when I thought I was out, they've pulled me back in. For Nasiru "the Giant" El Rufai in his infinite wisdom, has banned okada in Abuja.

That in itself wouldn’t have been a bad thing, if there was a credible alternative. Nasiru promised us buses to rival those in London, but failed to deliver. He promised us taxis, but his own would tie you down and shave your head bald with a piece of broken glass if given the opportunity. His “London Cabs” often cruise the streets empty because no poor man can afford their outrageous fares. And the private taxis have seized the opportunity to jack up their fares.

But these are hardly the only problems. Bikemen knew every single street, crescent, close and road in Abuja. If you were looking for a street in Garki for instance, all you had to do was enter Garki and ask a bike to show you the way. Not so with cab drivers. They don’t know jack shit, and they’re as likely to take you to Suleija as drop you in Wuse. A bike would take you from Apo to Wuse for 80 – 100 naira, but with a drop, it would cost you anywhere from 250 – 350 buckaroos and if you enter "Green Cab" na you know o! And when your father hasn’t spent the last 20 odd years of his life with his arms and legs in the public till, your pocket definitely feels the squeeze. Another angle many commentators have failed to look at is the impact of this ban on Baba’s Poverty Alleviation Scheme. Many of these men were encouraged, and in some cases, railroaded into taking loans of upwards of 50 grand to purchase bikes and employ themselves. For many, this was the sole means of supporting their families. Now the Giant has taken away their jobs, their means of repaying these loans, and their means of supporting their families.

I’ll grant that some of them could be real menaces, but is a ban the only way to solve the problem? What ever happened to re-education programmes, safety training, and so on? They could have created a Motorcycle Bureau, taxed each okada 50 naira a day for operating in town, and used that money to monitor and inspect them. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of bikes in town. This could have raised, hypothetically, 100 grand a day, and that’s thinking small. It could have been made mandatory for okada riders to wear safety helmets, reflective vests and so on. But, we have a lazy government, one that would rather bury its head in the sand than solve the problems of the people. Besides, who elected el Rufai anyway. Yep, the man never had to stand before people and ask for votes, and the National Assembly members who’re supposed to be watching him are all in his pocket.

The other day, a radio presenter said the ban was a good thing because it would make us all fit, and raise life expectancy in Abuja to 90 years. Had he been close by at that time, it would have taken an entire Mopol Battalion to get me off him.

If anything, the stress has increased, and the frustration on the faces of the people has deepened. Traffic jams have become a daily sight on Abuja roads, and people now have to trek long distances in the hot sun just to get to a bus.

Public transportation is not a service governments provide with a view to making a profit. Rather it is considered part and parcel of the social contract between the government and the people, as a social amenity.

And, since Nasiru is hell bent on copying everything from London, why doesn’t he bring the Tube over next? Oh wait, that would actually cost money and ease people’s lives. Silly me.

Gods, Generals and Garrison Commanders

Watching recent events in Ekiti State, one cannot help but wonder if the principal actors are flesh and blood mortals like the rest of us. For, with each passing day, they act with more flamboyance and arrogance than any of the characters that graced the court of Zeus at Mount Olympus.

Governor Fayose had his bases covered initailly- his good friend was the CJ, he had friends ready to be empanelled to "investigate" him, and the allegations would be rubbished. True to form, the first panel, returned a verdict of not guilty with a speed that would make Superman slink off in shame muttering, "Speeding bullet Okereke-Onyiuke's ass." (And believe me, my friends, that is some ass!)

But before the Governor could return to his office in truimph, an enraged Speaker had tossed the CJ out on his ear and installed a new one, who set up a new panel to hear the allegations. This time, the panel returned a verdict of guilty on all charges with such alacrity that it erased the record set scant days earlier. Fayose and his deputy were declared impeached, and the Speaker sworn in as Acting Governor. If there was some way to harness whatever energy they're using in the Ekiti State House of Assembly, Nigeria could yet win the Space Race. (Minister of Science and Technology, are you listening?)

With the tables turned on him, Fayose pulled a Houdini. Some claimed he was in Ghana, others said he was in London. Of these claims, the latter was the most easily discounted for as our elders say, "When the lizard in front falls into a pit, those behind take caution." And, given the wide berth our governors have been giving London since the travails of Alams, it would appear we all have the same elders.

Anyway, some said Fayose would soon reveal himself to the "shame" of his enemies. And soon, he did. The man issued a statement that he was still the governor, and was on vacation (in hiding), and his deputy would take over until his return. She soon marched on Government House, and entered her office, and had photos taken to show that she still "dey kamkpe".

Well, seeing as matters had gotten out of hand, Baba decided to step in with his cure for all manner of civil unrest - a declaration of a State of Emergency in Ekiti state, since in the words of PDP Chairman Ahmadu Alli, Ado-Ekiti is a "garrison t..." Sorry, that's Ibadan. Ah what the hell, they're both in the South-West, abi? Anyway, the troops have moved in to restore calm, and preserve law and order, and so on and so forth. Fayose is still nowhere to be found, and with the EFCC reportedly actively looking for his hide, I would suggest he stays wherever he is.

At this point I would like to make a suggestion for Baba. Perhaps Baba should create a special "State of Emergency" Battalion or Division within the Army. Baba could ensure that the Commander is rotated out while the men remain the same or vice versa. This way, when next Baba declares a state of emergency anywhere in Nigeria, we all could rest assured that the men in charge have the requisite experience in governing bloody civilians, and altercations will be kept to the bare minimum. This is especially important since Baba made short work of all officers with "political experience" he met within the Armed Forces when he took charge in 1999.

Like I said, it's just a suggestion.

National Unity

Almost every nation on earth at one time or another will go through an internal crisis which threatens its very corporate existence. The Americans (who shall serve as my prime example) had their Civil War, the French had their Revolution, various African nations have gone through civil wars, and even the English went through a phase where the King was as likely to be beheaded as crowned.

For Nigeria, the period from 1967 - 1970 will forever remain our darkest hour, for that was when "brother turned on brother" and we experienced our (only, I hope) Civil War.

For the Americans, their Civil War was about the southern farmer demanding his "right" to have his very own niggers picking his cotton while he lazed in the shade on his porch. Fortunately for black men everywhere, the south lost.

However, in the aftermath of the war, the issues leading up to it were faced squarely and strongly tackled. It was ensured that never again would any part of the country declare it "had no inheritance in the house of Jesse", and never again would American soldiers lose their lives in such vast numbers on their own soil. The south was fully reintegrated into the country, and all sins were forgiven. Today, the "vanquished" south can lay claim to both having produced more United States Presidents and being the deciding factor in American Presidential Elections than the "victorious" north.

Now, before certain persons try to transplant that last sentence, let me make one thing abundantly clear: At no time (and I stand to be corrected) in the history of American politics has the main issue revolved around whether a man born in Oregon can be allowed to contest an election in Florida when his parents are from Nebraska. Or the state of Vermont demanding its "turn" to produce the next President.

Nigeria's Civil War actually began shortly before Independence, on the day when Nnamdi Azikiwe stood for, and won, a seat in Lagos. Obafemi Awolowo was so incensed by this "victory of a stranger over a son of the soil" that he hounded Zik out of Lagos. Thus chastened, and awoken to the harsh realities of his country, Zik returned to the then Eastern Region with the statement, "There can be no One Nigeria." Not that he was calling for secession at the time.

Well, with Awo telling the Igbos to contest elections only on their home patch, the Hausas soon decided to give the Igbos the boot as well. For, if the Yoruba man declared the Igboman to have no political mandate in "Yorubaland", then why should the Igboman have an economic mandate in "Hausaland". Thus began the pogroms. Having been told by their brothers that they would not be allowed to enter their father's parlor, the Igbos decided to move to a new compound.

When the war erupted in 1967, the Federal Government was quick to deploy the slogan "One Nigeria" as its rallying cry. The Biafrans were bombed, blockaded, and starved into submission. With the war over in 1970, the PR Department went into overdrive. "No victor, no vanquished" was another choice slogan deployed by the government. The government initiated schemes to foster national unity such as the NYSC and the concept of Unity Schools.

36 years on, these schemes are yet to make any impact. The NYSC has been severely undermined (some say it should be scrapped altogether and replaced with one year of compulsory military service) with people refusing to accept postings to far north states, and vice versa, while the Unity Schools have been systematically looted and underfunded by the Government. And, true to form, rather than tackle the problem of corruption among the administrators of the schools, the Government is taking the cheapest and, most cowardly, way out with talk of "privatizing" them. This is, of course, in the keeping with the spirit of the IMF Poison Pills our rulers are bent on having us swallow.

Nigerians basically don't trust each other, and the stereotypes listed here are just the tip of the iceberg. As Peter Pan said in his book "The Complete Nigerian", it would not be unusual to hear Nigerians referring to each other as being from different countries. Which is actually true for the Bini, Oyo, Kanem-Bornu, and other Empires that existed here prior to the arrival of the British were as distinct from one another as England is from France. We were cobbled together as a nation by our colonial masters, and for good or ill, a nation we must remain. I do not subscribe to the "let's-all-go-our-separate-ways" slogan that some have touted. And I have no desire to take part in another Civil War. We do have problems, but we must solve them as a nation. As separate entities, our once weaker neighbors, and indeed the rest of the world, will be able to pick us off at will.


Whenever I think back to what happened in Lagos between Zik and Awo, I'm tempted to weep, for that was truly a golden opportunity to build a united, strong nation, and it was thrown away without a backward glance, or even a forward look. For, without that one colossal error in judgment, I could today run for office in Kano State without being told to "go home", while my brother could run for office in Imo State without being called a stranger. Then we could do like the Bush brothers, and he'd help me rig the election in his state so I could become President.

Is it too late for us? Not yet, but if we don't act fast, it might soon be.

Religious Intolerance

My good friend, Chxta, has spoken at length on this particular subject, and he has been vilified, castigated, chewed out, spat on, and promised an eternity in hellfire for his views. I’ve known Chxta since we were yea high tots. He is not controversial by nature, but he does always speak his mind. Regardless of whose ox is gored, whose chicken is run over, or whose cow was given to Mai Suya.

I was not baptized at an early age. In fact, it took full adulthood for me to become a “practicing Christian”. I did not begin attending church until my second year in the University. And I wasn’t Baptized or Confirmed until Law School. (Ja, I’m Catholic.) My old man had this weird policy: in matters of religion we were to be totally free to make up our own minds. As such, he told us we wouldn’t be forced to go to church if we didn’t want to, and we wouldn’t be forced to stay home if we did. My mother, herself a staunch Catholic, accepted this decision. As a result, while most other kids had to spend their Sundays going through interminable church services and utterly boring Sunday school replete with floggings for failing to recite the Ten Commandments properly, I spent my Sundays doing pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. Some are already shaking their heads at this terrible way of bringing up a child in the “path he should follow.” The thing is though, I wasn’t just given any old weed-threatened path to follow. The man gave me a 10-lane expressway complete with functioning street lights.

While my father didn’t put much stock in religious education (he never went to church, and still doesn’t go unless physically dragged on account of some special occasion or other) he did imbue all of us with a strong sense of right and wrong, and an annoyingly solid foundation of principles. He wasn’t overly strict with us, but if we screwed up, we sure as hell knew it. I learned it was wrong to steal, lie, and cheat, to respect my elders, and honor my father and mother, etc. without being told that these were orders from God. Rather, I learnt that some actions were wrong because they weren’t the right way to live. These principles are so strong, they stay with me to this day. The result – I can’t get a girl drunk and take advantage of her, and I couldn’t find it in myself to jump on the 419 bandwagon. I could have been a millionaire by now. Damn him.

Of course, we had CRK (Christian Religious Knowledge) in school, and I made an A in the subject in my WAEC. Did this mean I was a good Christian, subconsciously? Hell no. It just meant I was a rather smart student. But the fact that I could make an A in the subject while living an actively “pagan” lifestyle minus booze, weed, and women (they would come later) merely shows that I didn’t have to go to church to be able to answer questions about the Bible, and give correct quotations from it.

To wit, Christians and Muslims are God’s children. My proof – when Sarah found that she still couldn’t conceive, she told Abraham to take her servant and knock her up. Imagine that fellas – your wife telling you that not only is it okay for you to sleep with the housegirl, but that you’re permitted, nay ordered, to knock her up into the bargain. Wow. Abraham (strong man that he was) duly did knock up the housegirl, and she bore him a son named Ishmael. The housegirl then began carrying shoulder for her madam because she’d given oga a male child when madam couldn’t. Silly girl. She grossly underestimated the power of incumbency. In double quick time, she’d been kicked out along with her son, and sent into the desert. When they were on the point of death, God sent his angel to her, and he opened up a well for herself and her son to drink. Also fulfilling God’s promise to Abraham that he would father many nations for Ishmael’s descendants can be found in Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Oman etc. Ishmael's descendants also constitute the vast majority of the Muslim population in the world today. And, since the world generally accepts the first-born theory, Ishmael’s descendants hold the rightful claim to being Children of God.

Which brings me to all the “Muslims-are-going-to-hell-and-so-are-you” people Chxta has had to contend with.

Consider this scenario: As a missionary you are sent to a remote village, where no one has previously carried a Bible into. On arriving there, you’re told a certain man just died. While he was alive, this man was a paragon of virtue. He never stole, told a lie, cheated his business associates, took another man’s wife or land, was generous to a fault, would give you the shirt off his back if you happened to need it more than he did, and generally observed what you call the Ten Commandments. Would you tell the villagers that because this man had never heard of God, he was destined for hell? I put this question to a certain “Born-Again Christian” (BAC) and she said yes- the man was on his way to hell. I beg to differ. If God truly sees all things, and knows all things, then a man who lived his life in accordance with the Ten Commandments even though he’d never heard of them, would certainly not be on his way to eternal suffering for being a good and principled man. If he’s not allowed into Christian Heaven, at least he’ll be sent to Valhalla. And that is on the assumption that there is segregation in Heaven, which I seriously doubt. This BAC held on to her views, and began machine-gunning Bible quotations at me to back up her claims. However, when I lobbed a few quotations from the same Bible in her direction, she fired the BAC standard response at me – “even the Devil knows the Scriptures.”

It is my firm belief that no matter what religion you practice be it, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Sun Worshipper, or whatever, it is the ultimate height of arrogance and indeed ignorance to insist that whomsoever doesn’t kow tow to the same faith as you do is bound for damnation. Nobody knows where he or she will end up. Granted, it would appear on the surface that Muslims are much more prone to violent reactions to any denigration of their religion, but for those willing to cast their minds back through history, the Crusades were about Christians trying to force others to their religion. Colonialism, a crass rape of other people’s natural resources and subjugation of their freedom, was carried out under the banner of “taking God to the Godless.” As one writer famously remarked, “They took our land and our freedom and gave us Bibles.” No doubt the early sermons were all about turning the other cheek. Galileo was excommunicated by the Church for daring to insist that the world was round and orbited around the sun. I think most people have heard about the Spanish Inquisition. And, if that trip through history is too far for some people to take, cast your minds back to Waco, Texas, and the Christian fanatic who caused hundreds of his followers to end their lives via mass suicide. Timothy McVeigh, who carried out the Oklahoma City bombing, was a Christian. The white men who shipped our millions of our people off to work their cotton fields in the “New World” were good Christian men. The men who fire-bombed black churches in the southern United States were Christians. The men who hung black men from trees were Christians. They waved their Bibles freely to show that their actions were sanctioned by God. Adolph Hitler was a Christian. George W. Bush, a man who has plunged the world into previously unimaginable chaos is a Christian.

Hell, had “The Da Vinci Code” been written some centuries ago, Herr Braun would have since confessed to giving Eve the apple, convincing David to go out to his roof to see something interesting, and wielding the spear at Christ’s crucifixion, amongst others. Then he would have been barbecued. (There are some who insist that he be given that very treatment even today!)

Clearly, Muslims do not hold the monopoly on extremism. Yes, many are touchy about their religion, but who isn’t? And the fact that some of them resort to violence and back it up with quotes from the Qu’ran doesn’t mean they’re all that way. I’ve met Muslims who quote from the same Qu’ran to show that Islam is a religion of peace and brotherhood.

The other day I read on a Nigerian’s blog that Arabs were “murdering sand niggers.” That fellow has my undiluted pity for his is a mind so shallow an ant wouldn’t drown in it.

We live in a complex, complicated, dangerous, and, sometimes, downright crazy world. We will always have our differences, quarrels will always flare up, but if we can’t or won’t learn to live and work together, perhaps whatever God we individually pray to is already shaking His head in regret.

Confusion Break Bone

Fela (the inimitable) once sang about 'double wahala for dedi bodi'.

We've certainly had our fair share of elected (selected, imposed...take your pick) rulers behaving like first class twats in this country, but I think that never in history have we been cursed with such a bunch of greedy, clueless, dunces in our political class. As a lawyer, it is doubly painful that our judges are everyday showing they have as much spine as an amoeba colony.

The current comedy playing itself out in Ekiti State bears witness to this. When the State House of Assembly asked the Chief Judge of Ekiti State to set up a panel to investigate the allegations against the state governor, Ayo Fayose and his deputy, they couldn't have had any idea that the panel would be made up exclusively of the beleaguered governor's friends, contract beneficiaries and family members. Talk about a jury of lions trying a lion for the murder of an antelope. The Panel swiftly cleared the governor of any wrongdoing and the State House of Assembly went apeshit.

They suspended the CJ and installed a new one who immediately set up a new panel to hear the same allegations. I'm not going to bother quoting from the Constitution as my colleagues who will besiege the national dailies with articles on the same matter will no doubt do. I will say, in layman's English, that the SHA had no authority to do what it did. Granted, the sumbitch had allowed the governor get off scot-free, but there are proper channels to take in handling such recalcitrant fellows.

Now, the governor says he's been cleared, the suspended CJ says he's still in power, the Chief Justice of Nigeria has condemned the suspension, lawyers are spitting fire left right and center, and the poor continue to suffer. To my mind, Ayo Fayose is no better than an illiterate, two-bit tout who was lucky enough to kiss the right asses during the 4/19 elections of 2003. He is living proof of the adage 'You can take the man out of the motor park, but you can't take the tout out of the man' or something along those lines.

Should the new panel indict the governor (which it will) then we are set for a very long night.

For a state which boasts the highest number of professors per family in the entire country, they're sure behaving like a bunch of morons.

dedi bodi get accident. double wahala for dedi bodi.

Rumble In Aso Rock

Like most of my countrymen, I have watched with increasing alarm the downright spiteful attitude our Vice-President, Atiku Abubakar has taken towards our beloved, internationally respected, highly decorated war hero and President, the man we fondly call Baba, Olusegun Obasanjo. Atiku has shown utter disrespect to the man who brought him into government. When the issue of constitutional amendment came up, Atiku not only went against his principal, he resorted to threats against those who sought to exercise their right to freedom of speech and to vote according to their conscience. When he tried to hold a potentially violent demonstration and the Police duly broke it up, he repaired to the premises of one of his co-conspirators against the people where he told blatant lies about Baba. He said Baba did not want to leave, and in fact, had hatched his plans several months in advance. All that meant was that Baba is a visionary, for he saw that his people would demand that he carry on. At the Public Hearings on Constitutional Amendment, we, the people, duly and resoundingly asked for Baba to carry on as our leader for as long as he saw fit. One stupid man waving a piece of paper he called an injunction could not stand in our way. We wanted Baba, and made our wishes clear. When Atiku saw that his bid to stop Baba at that point had failed, he resorted to all manner of lies and untruths. He claimed he had been harassed by agents of Baba. He pointed to changes in his personal staff as an example of the said harassment. Please, Mr. Vice President, Baba only acted out of concern for your safety. Then Atiku somehow managed to convince the AIT (a previously respectable news network) to assist him in his plans to subvert the will of the people. It was so bad that AIT refused many appeals from the National Assembly to take their cameras out of the chambers to allow the Honourable members conduct their business in peace.

Now, with Baba having exposed Atiku for the greedy, morally bankrupt and corrupt individual that he truly is, one would have expected a man with a shred of honor left in his black heart to simply admit his guilt and resign his high office…

I can’t go any further. My ribs are aching badly. I think I need an x-ray.

The mud wrestling match between Baba and Turaki so far has been of truly epic proportions, so much so that I've been waiting to see Vince McMahon pop his head round a curtain and say, 'That's a wrap, good job guys.' Woody Allen couldn’t have scripted a better comedy than this, and Charlie Chaplin (rest his dear soul) couldn’t have performed in a better one. I can hardly wait to see the Dailies each morning. Baba has opened up a barrel of toxic worms, and he forgot to wear his bio-hazard suit. Because, if this is his best shot, then it is a colossal embarrassment from a so-called tough guy. A two-day old baby could hit harder than this. Now, before anyone out there calls me an Atiku man or some similar bull, let me make myself perfectly clear: I am nothing of the sort. I simply call it like I see it and, personally, I believe Atiku is most definitely NOT clean. But, if this is how Baba planned on taking him down, he's got another think coming.

When I heard of an EFCC report of the Veep, I expected to see all the sordid details of his deals at the BPE revealed. I expected to read how he managed to sell Nigeria's crown jewels to himself and a few greedy friends. I expected the full details of the scam that was the 8th All Africa Games. I expected to read about crude oil lifting, fuel importing, millions of dollars gone missing, etc. Instead, what do I and millions of other Nigerians get? A limp, soggy, and quite frankly, pathetic noodle of an EFCC report that was probably dictated by Baba to Nuhu Ribadu in council.

A six year old reciting by rote couldn’t convict Atiku of anything based on this particular EFCC report. If Baba and Nuhu Ribadu are saying that all they have to hang their case on is a single disbursement of 125 million dollars from the PTDF, and they expect Atiku to be barred from contesting the 2007 polls on that ground, and have in fact tried to see to it that he is through what I can only call a Cockroach Panel made up of Baba’s loyal supporters, then they should please make public the name and phone number(s) of their igbo supplier.

Atiku must have laughed his head off when he read their report, and he has since swatted away the allegations with contemptuous ease. He has gone further to turn up the heat on Baba and his friends by raising, once again, the issue of the EFCC report on the 53 Billion Naira fraud at the NPA under Bode George.

It is public knowledge that Baba sat firmly on the report (not once but twice) to protect his good friend and party colleague. For the same man to come out and say the investigation of Atiku stems from his “zero tolerance” policy for corruption simply beggars belief. Sounds like the very picture of Zero Tolerance.

The Robin Hood Complex

Virtually every adult is familiar with the old tale of Robin Hood and his band of merry men. He has been celebrated by Hollywood, with such greats as Errol Flynn, Kevin Costner, Cary Elwes and, more recently, Asari Dokubo, taking on the role of the man in green tights.

For those who are unaware, I'll give a brief synopsis of the story. Robin Hood was born Robin of Locksley, to a rich landowner in medieval England. Against his father's wishes, he ran off to war, and fought in one of the crusades where he was captured by the Turks, and spent some years in prison. On his escape, he returned to England to find his father had been murdered by the Sheriff of Nottingham, who was plotting with the King's brother to overthrow him. Robin wouldn't stand for treason, and turned to a life of crime. He began stealing from the rich friends of Nottingham, and distributing their ill-gotten wealth among the poor, oppressed masses. You could say he was the first English Communist. Of course, the authorities didn't find his actions amusing, and duly put a price on his head and tried mightily to capture him, but always failed. Ultimately, he triumphed over his enemies, and blah blah blah. Or he was betrayed by a woman and killed. The end of the story is rather murky.

Which brings me to Naija, and the spate of kidnappings of white men in the Niger Delta. The kidnappers claim to be acting out of righteous indignation over the blatant neglect of their communities by the government, and the rape of their land by the multinational oil companies. Since they can't get their hands on the perpetrators in Abuja, they resort to kidnapping expatriate oil workers, and making demands that the oil companies should leave their land and so on and so forth. Some people step in, negotiations are carried out, money changes hands, and the hostages are released.

Now, since the criminal act was carried out for the greater good- namely Justice for the people of the Niger Delta, we would have expected news crews to be invited to videotape the kidnappers returning to their villages as heroes and sharing the ransom money equally to each and every home. Or purchasing medicines and sharing them. Or paying a firm to carry out a clean-up of the environment.

We are still waiting.

Rather, what has occured is that more and more "militant groups" are springing up daily. Each trotting out the same hackneyed slogans. Then they go out, grab a white man, and wait for their share of the booty. For, make no mistake, this has turned into no more than a lucrative criminal venture. Had these people been acting out of truly altruistic motives, we'd have heard about it by now.

Asari Dokubo, who styled himself a freedom fighter, was no more than a political thug who assisted in the greatest rape of the people's mandate ever witnessed in this country, and was well paid for his efforts. None of those proceeds went anywhere outside his immediate family circle. He became a "freedom fighter" when the governor refused to take his side in a turf war. It was at that moment, we are expected to believe that his conscience awoke from its coma and began directing his affairs. Suddenly, his middle name became Mujaheed, and he and his army of thugs and layabouts quickly adopted some nice sounding slogans. When the Federal Government offered to pay him 250,000 Naira for every gun he surrendered, he rapidly turned in some 85 AK47s. By my admittedly horrible mathematics, that computes to about 21 million naira and some change. Not a kobo went to his community. When the government invited him to wine and dine in Abuja, he went gleefully, perhaps expecting to wash down his new friendship with Baba with some oil contracts. (He was already engaged in illegal bunkering by the way.) Baba wined him, dined him, then asked him to return. On his return, he was swiftly arrested. He now cries foul. Tell me, did Che Guevara ever agree to wine and dine with the government? Of course not. Any true freedom fighter knows in his gut that the government is only out to destroy him. A criminal kingpin, on the other hand, only sees the next big score.

DSP Alamieyeseigha (aka Alams), erstwhile governor of Baylesa State, famous for his immortal statement "What is 100,000 pounds to a whole governor?" (that's pounds sterling, not biafran pounds), went on a jamboree to Europe. While he was governor, his only exercise was the systematic looting of the public till, so much so that he had a million pounds (sterling) in cash in his house in London. Upon his arrest, he claimed he was being victimised for fighting for the rights of his people. For fighting for more derivation. What had he done with the vast sums already at his disposal? I once had cause to visit Yenagoa, the Bayelsa state capital, while Alams was guvnor. I found only one tarred road, which stopped immediately after government house. The billions of naira accruing to his state every month had done no more than pad his foreign accounts. Yet, after being arrested and charged with corruption, he's suddenly a "victim".

The numerous militants in the Niger Delta today have displayed guts, and daring. They're young, cocky, unemployed, and naturally, restless. They've seen a lucrative opportunity and are scrambling to get involved before the gravy train stops rolling.

But, modern-day Robin Hoods, they most certainly are not.

Back Again

Hi folks. It's been quite a while hasn't it. I know y'all have missed my dry wit and vastly superior intellect. (I'm allowed to psyche myself, right?) I'm currently a corper-shun (whatever the hell that means) which has severly limited my free time, and consequently, limited my online time, and consequently, my ability to frequently update my blog. Consequently... Remind you of anyone? I'll give you a hint - he was never seen in public without his customised Ray Bans.

Anyway, since I've been gone, third term has come and gone. IBB has declared he'll be running for president come 2007. He apparently wants a chance to put his past wrongs right and reclaim his lost place in the hearts and minds of all Nigerians. He's really sorry for all the things he did (insert healthy guffaw here), and would really like us all to know that he's now a changed man (insert preferred cliche here).

Also, the political scene has truly heated up with the assasinations of Funsho Williams in Lagos, and Daramola in Ekiti. That these latest crimes will probably never be solved have received the incredibly short odds from William Hill (a reputable online betting firm) of 1/1. IGP Sunny Ehindero (a misnamed fellow if I ever saw one) trotted out the flogged to death slogans of "no stone left unturned" and "no effort will be spared" etc. If these guys worked in a quarry, they'd put Fred Flintstone out of work in an hour.

In the wake of these killings, no fewer than 307 aspiring politicians have applied for Police protection (insert incredulous laugh here). It is obvious to a blind man on the street that if Bola Ige, a serving Attorney-General and Minister of Justice, could be murdered while being guarded by a full detachment of Mobile Policemen, then the last place anyone should seek protection (especially a politician)is from the Police.

Mayhap an ethnic militia of some sort would be a more credible alternative...

P.S. Congrats to my man Chx. They tried, but they just couldn't hold you down. Remember to pack ya sweater sha o. I hear say that side dey cold well well. Unless you get hot water-bottle... :D

When the issue of tenure elongation first reared its ugly head, not a few die-hard optimists were of the view that Baba would not succumb to any of that rubbish. Some said it was simply a strategy designed to keep those hoping he would be a lame duck president on their toes. Still more said that the mere fact that Baba could come out openly and say he was under pressure was his way of asking Nigerians to get those monkeys off his back.

During the NPRC, there was a mighty uproar over the smuggling in of a "draft" constitution containing a single five-year term for Governors and the President. The man responsible for this particular shenanigan was none other than that venerable AGIP (Any-Government-In-Power) Chairman, Professor Jerry Gana. Now here's a creature with longevity. He has served in every government since before I was born. And whether his oga wore khaki or agbada, he has given each one his all. It's a wonder the man still has anything left in his tank. The members of the NPRC refused to consider the document and threw it out.

If anyone thought that was the end of the matter, they were grossly mistaken. Not long afterwards, with the NPRC report gathering dust somewhere in Aso Rock (as documents of this nature are bound to do), the National Assembly embarked on a Constitution Review exercise. Normal, right? Wrong. First of all, the "public" hearings were scheduled for only six out of 36 states, in the name of "geo-political zones". Then the hearings were moved to cities which were most definitely not major e.g. Osogbo for the South-West Zone instead of Lagos.

After the orchestrated hearings, which disobeyed a court order stopping them by the way, Senator Mantu declared that in the light of the "great clamor" by Nigerians, the committee would be including a recommendation for the President to serve 3 terms of four years.

To be continued...

Long Time No See

It's been a while, folks. No vex. I dey for Now Ya Sufferin Continues.

Since I've been gone, a lot has happened in our great country Nigeria. It is now officially unsafe for a white man to walk the streets in Warri, they did some nonsense head-count called Census, and they approved an amendment to the constitution to allow Uncle Sege and his cronies another four years in power.

Although it has not yet been passed by the National Assembly, they've said all it takes is to open the NNPC and flood the place with dollars. Knowing the bunch of greedy old men we have in that place, I won't be very surprised if that's exactly what happens.

Of course, there are those who have fought against the third-term nonsense. I feel it is a massive insult to tell a nation of more than 140 million that there is only one man fit to rule them. At least, Baba and his boys are yet to start running commercials on NTA with his face on a key a la Abacha, but don't think that they can resist that gimmick for very long. Afterall, it worked for the dark-goggled one, even though an Indian apple cut short his planned enjoyment of the office.

Sege was recently seen on a visit to the White House wringing his wrists and turning from side to side like a naughty pupil summoned to the Headmaster's office. Someone explained that the White House was very cold that day, and we all know that Baba is much advanced in years and can't take sudden changes in temperature that well anymore. He was merely trying to keep warm as best he could, and that it had nothing to do with George W.'s glacial reception to the idea of tenure extension for Baba.

After that meeting, Baba told reporters that a third term was "not on the cards.... For now."

We are now waiting for a third term to be "on the cards". Perhaps then, Baba will tell us whether he's running or not.

Any bets on him not running?