A Day In The Life

7.00am: Eyes wide open. Tony and the boys sing "You're simply the best." Feel like Prince Akeem.

7.30am: Bound out of bed, and immediately regret rash decision. Back screaming blue murder. Tony and the boys immediately by my side singing "The world's greatest." Must put brave face on.

7.45am: Start shaving. Tony and the boys sing "You are so beautiful."

8.30am: Shave done, time for shower. Tony and the boys sing "You and I."

9.30am: Bloody cold water. Anyway time to see what I approved for airing on NTA last night. Will enjoy with cup of cocoa from farm. Tony and the boys sing "You're the inspiration."

9.35am: *splutter* What! Another crash? Kemaaaaaa! Kemaaaaaa! K.... (Looks down) Oh, there you are. Take that out of your mouth for a second. Why aren't you at your ministry? I removed you? When? So Borishade is in charge now? Ok. Get him for me. Tony and the boys strike up tune of "You're a heartbreaker." Silenced by royal glare.

10.00am: Prominent Nigerians dead in crash. Must remember to smear alligator pepper under eyelids. Oh for the days when onions did the trick. Tony and the boys sing "You light up my life." So difficult to stay mad at them...

10.00am: Ah, the kpomo has arrived. Time for breakfast. Tony and the boys sing "You take my breath away."

10.30: Stroll around Villa, practising speech. The words all sound rather familiar though... Tony and the boys hum "Without you."

12noon: Done with speech practice. Throat hurts. Tony and the boys sing "You are my heaven."

1.00pm: Time to read back page of This Day. Tony and the boys sing "You are the sunshine of my life."

2.30pm: Done reading. Head hurts, eyes blurry. Time for power nap. Tony and the boys sing "You give me love."

4.00pm: My, how time flies. Must rise from couch. *sniff sniff* Lunch is ready. Tony and the boys sing "You are my destiny."

4.50pm: Deliver speech. Strange stony silence from crowd. Why is the hall empty, and what the hell is that box staring at m.... Oh, I'm in the studio.

4.50pm: Tony and the boys share congratulations on brilliant speech, sing "You are my number one."

5.00pm: Time to sign some State of Emergency Declarations. I told them to arrange these things in alphabetical order. Don't they know Ebonyi comes before Anambra?! Tony and the boys sing "We can last forever."

6.55pm: Done signing declarations. Had long debate with self over Declaration for Abuja. Nasiru has done such a fine job so far... Tony and the boys sing "You can do it."

7.00pm: Time for light snack before dinner. Hear the cook is making pounded yam with egusi and plenty kpomo. Must remember to leave space. Tony and the boys sing "You are wonderful."

8.30pm: *belch* Snack was great. Time for dinner. Tony and the boys try to sing through full mouths. Cut them short with scowl.

10.00pm: Dinner was just fab. Time for bed. Oga Tony Blair is having his hair cut tomorrow morning. Can't afford to be late for the party. Tony and the boys sing "Unchained Melody." It's good to be King.