Real Partnership

There’s a scene in the Godfather Part II, where the heads of the major Mafioso families are meeting at a luxurious hotel in Cuba. Hyman Roth there announces to his fellow criminals that Cuba is paradise for them because there they have what they have always wanted: real partnership with a government.

The Cuban government was not naive or stupid, it knew that it was dealing with criminals, men under investigation in their home country for crimes ranging from racketeering, prostitution, and drug dealing, to murder. It is safe to say that every man at that meeting had “made his bones” in his respective family, and indeed, to rise as high as they did, each man present there must have had a collection of skeletons that would make any graveyard jealous. However, I digress.

The other day, Dimeji Bankole, Speaker of the House of Representatives declared that the generator importation industry to be a billion dollar industry worthy of protection from the effects of power sector reform. In other words, Dimeji Bankole, in his official capacity, considers the interests of generator importers to be more important than those of the millions of his countrymen who cannot afford generators and must live in darkness.

My first reaction was that either the man was high or he had spoken tongue firmly in cheek. Surely, no sane elected official would declare himself opposed to the interests of the electorate? But then again, this is Nigeria we’re talking about, and anything goes in the mad country we call home.

For starters, generators are not manufactured in Nigeria. If it was a generator manufacturing industry that he declared worthy of protection, one could attach more merit to his position. As it is, Nigerians spend billions of Naira each year importing generators from all over the place. The attendant capital flight doesn’t bother our Speaker, oh no. The fact that he’s not even concerned about it tells you how insulated he is in his lofty position.

The true function of a generator is to serve as a back-up to main power. Generators are accordingly in use in developed countries in sensitive institutions like hospitals where electricity cannot be done without for any extended period of time. It is Nigeria where main power is now the back-up to the generator, but Bankole clearly sees nothing absurd in that situation. Besides, he doesn’t pay for diesel, does he?

In Nigeria, we cannot have a working rail transport system because long haul transporters would lose business to a far more efficient system. In Onitsha, we cannot build an airport because operators of luxurious buses would lose business as people happily take to the skies to avoid the death traps that roads have become. Our local refineries cannot work because fuel importers (a breed largely unknown to Nigerians until the regime of Khalifa) would lose business. And we cannot generate and supply enough electricity because generator importers would lose business.

Something similar happened when mobile phones were introduced. At the time, we had NITEL payphones which used smart cards, installed in several places. To make a call, one had to buy a card with units on it. It should come as no surprise to your average Nigerian therefore, that with the mobile phone revolution, the card phones stopped working while the call centres set up a few feet away did a roaring trade. In some cases, the handsets were actually ripped out of the phones. Why? Because if the card phones worked, the call centres would lose business. The only force at work here is pure insanity. And Nigerians, so used to accepting the absolute worst in terms of rulership, will quietly swallow this latest insult and move on with their lives.

The really funny thing here is that in the developed world, they have railways, and long haul truckers. They have airports in major cities, and people still take the bus. They have constant electricity, and the generators serve as back-ups.

Generator importers are no doubt a powerful cabal, and going by Bankole’s comment, they are in real partnership with a government too, just like la cosa nostra in Cuba. The glee with which they supply traffic control boxes for police officers to use at junctions containing traffic lights which depend on PHCN tells you all you need to know about how entrenched they have become.

If someone finds a way to import the air Nigerians breathe...

The Usual Suspects

On the 50th anniversary of Nigeria's independence from Great Britain, Friday, October 1, 2010, a heinous crime was carried out in Abuja. Two car bombs were detonated, killing 10 people and wounding 21 others. Just before the bombs went off, news outlets Sahara Reporters and 234Next issued alerts stating that Niger Delta-based militant group, MEND, had sent emails warning that there would be explosions in the federal capital within 30 minutes. That time line was adhered to, and lives were lost.

Following the blasts, MEND issued, via the same outlets and international media, another statement claiming responsibility for the attack, and stating that lives would not have been lost had the FG heeded its numerous warnings about its planned attack, and warned the public accordingly. MEND further stated that Nigeria had nothing to celebrate in 50 years, and so on, and so forth.

Astonishingly, the next day President Goodluck Jonathan went before the media and stated that not only did MEND have nothing to do with the attack, but that the government would soon reveal those who were responsible. According to him, MEND would not do anything to jeopardize the chance of one of their own, namely himself, becoming President, which is what this attack was surely meant to do.

This patently absurd statement was rubbished no sooner than he was done by MEND issuing yet another statement in which they claimed to have given the government 5 days advance warning of their plan, and an additional one hour warning prior to detonation. Again, they laid the blame for any lost lives squarely at the FG (and Goodluck Jonathan's) door.

@Chxta's Facebook page made for interesting reading following Goodluck's statement. There were those who fiercely defended Goodluck's claim that MEND (which had claimed responsibility several times) was not to blame, but rather it was Goodluck's political enemies, most especially ex-dictator Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida or IBB, known affectionately to Nigerians as "Maradona" or "The Evil Genius". These people claimed that the hand of IBB was behind the bombings as he was seeking to discredit Jonathan.

I am no fan of IBB, and if I had my way, he would be first in line to face a firing squad on the day of the revolution. However, the idea that IBB planned and executed this terrorist act in order to "discredit" Goodluck was extremely laughable. In the first place, the man is running for President on the same platform as Goodluck, and would therefore be keenly aware of Nigerians love of incumbency. Accordingly, unless the bombs were planted in Goodluck's car, there would be no discrediting him.

Secondly, IBB would never plan such a thing as it would be insane of him to do so, knowing that the fingers of blame would immediately head in his direction. Goodluck would thus do everything in his power to prove that it was indeed IBB who planned and carried out the terror attack, and his Presidential race would be over and done with before you could say "June 12".

Then, this evening word came that Raymond Dokpesi, media mogul and the Director of IBB's campaign for President, had been arrested in connection with the bomb blasts, and the evidence against him is that two "suspects" already in custody had exchanged messages asking if Dokpesi had "paid the balance" and setting out plans to meet in IBB's campaign office.


The world record pace at which "suspects" have been arrested by a police force which couldn't catch a cold if you injected it with swine flu, immediately raised my suspicion. That they now claim the existence of these "text messages" as proof of Dokpesi's and, by extension, IBB's involement in what happened on Friday, tells me that clearly, Goodluck and his "advisers" consider themselves to be the smartest people in a country filled with retards.


It all seems so convenient that not only wasn't MEND responsible for the attack, IBB and his campaign director are. Throw in that IBB is easily Goodluck's stiffest challenger in the presidential race, and other far more sinister pictures begin to emerge.


Suppose MEND did it, and Goodluck knows it was indeed MEND, but has acted quickly to pin the crime on IBB in order to get hm out of the way? That doesn't require a hell of a stretch.


Or, suppose it really wasn't MEND? What if the whole thing was simply a plot by Goodluck and his advisers, led by Baba and Mr. Fix-It, designed to get IBB out of the way? That so many were instantly blaming IBB for the whole thing mere minutes after it happened must have had them leaping with glee. We've all seen the callous disregard with which our ruling class treats its citizens. 16 lives sacrificed in the pursuit of power, which is the only thing they care about, is not such a big deal. It would certainly explain Goodluck's rush to absolve MEND of any blame, and his comments about knowing those responsible. It would also explain the criminal negligence of the security agencies who, despite having advance notice of the threat via the news agencies, refused to issue any warning to the public.


It goes some way to showing how it is that they already knew the perpetrators of a crime as sophisticated as a double car bombing less than 24 hours after it had been committed, and had suspects in custody who had text messages asking each other about Dokpesi and IBB.


Connect the dots and ask yourself if it's really that hard to imagine?

The Rat Race

"It is a rat race time..." - The Mandators

You Lagosians are a truly amazing bunch of people. I’m sure that most of you Lagosians are good, honest, hard-working folk. I’m sure you pay your taxes, take care of your kids, and do all things expected of decent folk. However, I have one small observation for you. You’re rats, every last one of you.

See, you guys are crazy, unstable, downright loony. Anyone who has spent 10 minutes in a Lagos traffic jam will tell you Lagos drivers are insane. I could say that the bus drivers are the major culprits, and blame that on ignorance, illiteracy, etc.  and that would be all. In truth, all of you are exactly the same. You lack lane discipline, patience, good sense. And the more expensive the car, the crazier the driver.

One night last month, I spent four hours in a hold-up at Apapa, and ended up spending the night in a “hotel” somewhere in Ojo. The next morning, Chxta (who was driving) and I rose at 5.30 am, to make the journey back to his place in Surulere, where I planned to shower, grab my bags, and head for the airport. On our way out of Ojo, we ran into another traffic jam.

Bear in mind that it was a public holiday, and I reasonably expected you people would be in bed, sleeping off the exertions of the hellish commutes to and from work that Lagos inflicts on its residents. How wrong I was. The buses were packed full of you, and if it were possible, I would have stopped one and asked, “Where the fuck are you people going on a fucking public holiday at 6 fucking o’clock in the fucking morning?!” It made absolutely no sense.

And then the answer hit me.

You have been trained to wake up at 4.30 am, have a bath and rush off to work or whatever, and your minds cannot do without this routine anymore.  You people have been trained to expect a 15 minute drive to last 4 hours and, like any organism placed into such a situation for an extended period of time, you have evolved.

There is one other organism which is trained in the same manner. It is given a fixed task in fixed conditions, for a fixed reward for a length of time until it learns a routine to perfection. And once the routine is learned, the reward can be withdrawn without any adverse effects on performance. The task is  to run a maze, and the reward is the food at the center of the maze.

The organism is a rat.

Lagosians have been trained to run the maze that is their daily life and can now perform the task so adroitly, it doesn't matter that you're supposed to be taking a break. When you try to slow down, your minds revolt because you wouldn't know how to spend your free time. The four hour traffic jam is like a drug to you now, and you're addicted to it. Whenever Lagos-based friends come to Abuja, the first thing they do is complain that Abuja is too boring, seeing as there isn't a place to go that requires you to spend 4 hours sitting in your car twiddling your thumbs. Eventually, one of two things will happen: they either get used to the slower pace of life and acknowledge that Lagos was driving them crazy, or they beat a hasty retreat back to their beloved city.

I have one last thing to say to you. If you spend 4 hours a day in your car doing nothing, and you work a 5 day week, that rapidly becomes 20 hours a week, 80 hours a month, and 960 hours a year. In other words, you spend 40 days a year seated in your car, honking your horn, cursing other drivers, and getting totally stressed out. If you work a 6 day week, it becomes 48 days. And some of you spend 3 hours a day going to work, and 3 hours getting home, and you work 6 day weeks.

It doesn't get much scarier than that.

Promotions

In life, one is never truly satisfied with one's station. One always strives for better position, greater recognition, more respect. Part-timers want to be full-timers, Assistant Directors want to be Directors, Vice Presidents want to be Presidents, and on it goes. Naturally, in the struggle for upward mobility and dominance, people are prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve their aims, and this drive isn't limited to honest endeavor, as the events today have shown.

The Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta or MEND as they prefer to be known, apparently tired of being called a 'militant group' decided today to go for the much more prestigious position of 'terrorist organisation' and passed their audition with flying colours. The detonation of two bombs during the 50th Independence Day celebrations in Abuja, for which MEND has claimed responsibility, claimed 8 or 10 lives (depending on your source) and left around 21 people injured.

MEND has operated for years under the cover of taking up arms to liberate the Niger Delta from the oppresive Federal Government which has done virtually nothing to develop the area from which comes the vast bulk of our national wealth. For a while, they had me fooled. I felt that the sad state of affairs in the Niger Delta, coupled with the chronic deafness of the FG to the legitimate concerns of the citizenry, the rise of MEND as an outlet for years of pent-up frustration was not only inevitable, but welcomed. I thought it would only be a matter of time before they forced the government to take action on the environmental devastation of the region by multinational oil companies. How wrong I was!

For starters, Asari Dokubo, the self-styled 'mujahedin' leader of MEND was no more than thug who had been closely associated with Peter Odili and played a pivotal role in seeing to it that the 2003 elections produced the 'right' result for Odili and his PDP cronies. It was only a falling out between these two hyenas that led Dokubo to 'discover' the plight of his oppressed people and take up arms on their behalf. Never mind that by rigging elections, he had deprived them of any say in how they were to be ruled.

When the kidnapping of expatriates oil workers began, I expected these Niger Delta 'Robin Hoods' to begin using the ransoms acquired to provide their people with the amenities denied them by the government. I expected to see schools built, roads paved, water provided, hospitals equipped. I expected to see these things as they would shame the FG and perhaps force it to act. This never happened. Instead, the money went on mansions and fancy cars. And, of course, more weapons. Soon, I recognised MEND for what it was - a criminal outfit piggy-backing on the legitimate anger of a region.

What they have done today is beyond any defending. Any residual sympathy people may have had for them is now gone, extinguished as certainly as they extinguished the lives of innocent men and women today. I agree that in 50 years, Nigeria has achieved precisely sweet fuck all. I agree that rolling out drums to celebrate what is no more than 50 years of inertia, corruption and thuggery, is an assault on the sensibilities of any right thinking person. However, I cannot agree with what they have done today.

MEND did not target some government installation. They targeted innocent people, bystanders. People doing their best to get by in a country where everything is dependent on who and not what you know. MEND murdered innocent people today. MEND murdered every last shred of credibility it could possibly have had and along with it, they could well have murdered the legitimate aspirations of the very people they claim to represent.

They have finally given the FG the opportunity to use that time-honored movie line:

"We will not negotiate with terrorists."

Vocabulary

“The members of the committee are not on salary. They are all volunteers. They are ONLY collecting a sitting allowance. They are not collecting any allowance.” (Emphasis mine.)
– Professor Dora Akunyili, Minister of Information & Communication, Federal Republic of Nigeria

“Blue Magic – that’s a brand name…”
– Denzel Washington,
American Gangster

There was once a woman named Professor Dora Akunyili, who was revered by Nigerians for her crusade against the importers of fake drugs into the country in her capacity as Director General of the National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC). This woman was the lioness protecting her cubs when it came to the keeping fake drugs away from ordinary Nigerians. She fought tooth and nail with the drug barons, some of whom were important contributors to political causes in Nigeria, and she stared them all down. She was so bad for business that they tried to kill her, and only the shooter’s inability to calculate where her gélé ended and her head began saved her life.

That those criminals went so far was proof that she was doing the right thing, and that this woman wasn’t all about sound bites, unlike the vast majority of government appointees. When Dora spoke, we listened, and we believed her. Before Dora, nobody paid any attention to NAFDAC. Under her, it became one of the most effective government agencies in the country, like Voltron, loved by good, feared by evil.

When rumors began surfacing that Dora was being considered for a ministerial post, many hoped she would be given the Health portfolio, which, given her solid background in NAFDAC, meant she would be in a position to oversee not only her former agency, but she would have broad oversight powers, and be able to use her skill and determination to set things to rights in the Health sector. Indeed, many believed that Dora would be key to achieving anything in the Health area of President Yar’Adua’s much advertised 7-Point Agenda.

Alas, it was not to be. When the list of ministers was made public after months of speculation, Dora was on it, but she had been assigned the Ministry of Information and Communication. In other words, instead of giving her a portfolio in which she could make a tangible difference and create a greater positive impact on the lives of ordinary Nigerians, Yar’Adua had decided to make her his mouth piece. And for a President who is notoriously reticent about what he says, and when and how he says it, he might as well have replaced her lips with a zipper and a padlock. I mean, during the whole “the-President-is-dead” fiasco, the same story didn’t come out of Aso Rock two days running. I can only imagine that the publishers of This Day got tired of the “President Returns Tomorrow” headlines they kept getting fed by their former staffer.

Now, the job of being Nigeria’s Information Minister requires an intimate knowledge of the art of double-speak, and an ability to tell lies with the utmost sincerity. One can be sure that when our Minister of Information says, “Good morning” it is actually around 10 p.m. at night. And if the Minister shakes your hand, you should check for your wallet, your watch, and count your fingers immediately afterwards (and not necessarily in that order). To Nigeria’s Minister of Information, up is left, down is right, black is yellow, and the Earth is flat and is the center of the universe. Basically, Nigerians have learned not to believe a damn thing that comes out of the mouth of our Information Minister. We don’t believe a thing that the NTA Network official government bulletin News has to say, hence we gladly watch AIT and Channels News instead.

So, Dora’s appointment as Minister of Information & Communication meant one of two things:
a) She had been given the job so she could use her integrity and honesty to begin giving Nigerians the straight facts for once; or
b) She had been given the job in order to capitalize on her honest image so when she lied to us, we’d believe her.

Well, since this is Nigeria, it is safe to say that had the former occurred, our primitive cerebrums might well have tried to wake up.

Naturally, Dora at first tried to cut the image of the straight shooter she once was, but having started down the rabbit hole, there was no turning back for her, and this has been brought home to us with the whole “Rebranding Nigeria” malarkey.

Dora recently went on air to attack those who called the Rebranding Nigeria campaign a waste of time and scarce resources, and who questioned exactly how the shindig was supposed to be paid for. It was during her response that she provided us with the above gem, one that will surely be entered into the Museum of Doublespeak.

I know I am not a Professor like Dora, and my vocabulary is admittedly limited, and the little English I was taught from before and during Kindergarten up to my University days surely cannot hold a candle to our Minister’s command of the language, but I am having a hard time understanding how “sitting allowance” is not an “allowance” within the definition of “any allowance.”

I do not deny that my country’s image is in need of a lift, that my countrymen have to put up with all kinds of negative stereotypes wherever they find themselves. That Lucky Dube’s killer thought he’d get a sympathetic sentence from the jury because he “thought he (Dube) was a Nigerian” is a case in point. However, it’s not about sending Nigerians text messages saying we are good people in a great nation. Our problems go far beyond a mere perception issue. Look around the world, Nigerians have proven time and time again, their ability to thrive and excel in any field, given the right environment and encouragement. We excel in sports, business, science, medicine, literature, art, music. We’ve got the determination, the drive, the will power, the energy, and the desire to succeed at anything. In short, we need no reminder that we have the potential to be “good” people or a “great” nation. We see the evidence every day.

Our biggest and greatest problem is that our government doesn’t give a rat’s fuck about the “good” people, and in fact does everything in its power to ensure that we become bad people. Our rulers have been desperately trying to remake the ordinary Nigerian in their own image and likeness for decades. Indeed, our image problem stems directly from our rulers treating our country as their personal property, and our common resources as an ATM. Corruption, which is unarguably our greatest negative image generator, has been entrenched solidly in our national fabric by these rulers. They have created and fostered the idea that governmental positions are the quickest (and most sustainable) means to wealth by years of crass theft and slap on the wrist punishments for those of their number stupid or unfortunate enough to get caught up in the anti-corruption crusade of the day, and the result is that there are few Nigerians who see anything in this country worth fighting or dying for.

Instead of wasting our time, our phone message capacities, and our money on this nonsense, the government should concentrate on providing us with constant power supply so that our factories stop moving to Ghana, and depriving our people of work in these economically testing times. The government should concentrate on giving us an electoral system of which we can say “It’s not perfect, but it works.” The government should concentrate on securing the lives and property of its citizens instead of attaching battalions of mobile police men to guard PDP chieftains.

I know it’ll be hard, because our rulers are a bunch of hedonistic, lazy and greedy pendehos, and the above sounds too much like work, which they are allergic to.

But here’s an idea for Dora, instead of Rebranding Nigeria, why don’t you rebrand our government? Try replacing the words “Government Official” with “Greedy A-hole” or “Lying Bastard” or “Corrupt Thief.” This will enable Nigerians know exactly who they’re dealing with, and put an end to all these pesky demands for accountability and (God forbid) actual governance.

That can only be “good” for this “great” nation.

Doing The Math

Remembering what Chxta said the other day about us allowing things to get swept under the carpet and forgotten, I decided to revisit the N2.3 billion vehicle purchase scandal which rocked the National Assembly back in October, 2008.

For those who may not remember what all the hullabaloo was about, it was reported that a contract to purchase of 280 Peugeot 407 salon cars as “committee” vehicles for the members of the House of Representatives had been inflated by around N480 million, and Festus Keyamo, the firebrand activist lawyer stormed the National Assembly in possession of certain documents and confronted the members of the House with their fraud. He was called all sorts of names, well nigh physically assaulted, and there were loud calls for probes. After a lot of noise was made, and a lot of ink spilled on the pages of the newspapers, the matter was promptly forgotten, and the actors paid their wages.


Out of curiosity, I decided to revisit the issue recently, by undertaking a visit to a major dealer in Peugeot vehicles, and the aforementioned 407 was prominently displayed in the showroom. I entered, and asked how much one of the Comfort Automatics (the same type purchased by the National Assembly) was going for. The sales people provided me with their brochure and told me the price was N5.1 million. I asked if there was no discount, and was told that there was in fact a 3% discount, which brought the price down to N4.9 million and some change.

I thanked them and left, clutching a copy of the brochure, with my mind reeling. Even to my extremely slow mathematical brain, it was clear that the fraud was in fact far greater than the esteemed Mr. Keyamo had claimed.

Bear in mind, dear reader, that this was a dealer’s price. The House of Reps purchased their vehicles directly from the manufacturer, so all the little additions dealers build into their prices should have, and must have been absent.

Scanning the brochure, I quickly realised that several claims from the House Leadership simply didn’t make any sense. For starters, 280 cars is by any standards a very large order, and must therefore have attracted a massive discount. Factor in that a Peugeot 407 costs around £15,700 (N3.2 million at today’s Black Market exchange rate) and the scale of the fraud simply boggles the mind. Indeed, a quick survey of prices on the internet revealed that there is in fact a standing discount of £2,100 on every 407 purchased. When you factor in that, you get a price of £13,600 or N2.85 million for each and every 407.

Now, factor in an order of 280 cars to a vehicle manufacturing company eager to please government officials and looking to regain its position as the official car of choice, and factor in your own imaginative discount. (Mine is a further 3% on each vehicle which makes the starting point of my own calculations N2.7 million per Comfort Auto 407.)

When I multiply that amount by 280 cars, I get N775.6 million. In TOTAL. When I add in the fact that 20 of the cars were not Comfort Automatic but Comfort Sport, I get N720 million for 260 Peugeot 407s. Even when I throw in import and clearing duties of 10% on each car, I still don’t cross N1 billion. Rather, I come in way short at N792 million.

Subtract the above sum from the N2.3 billion claimed as spent on the cars, and we get the tidy sum of around N1.5 billion having made its way into private pockets.

Now, let’s go off on a tangent, and assume that each car did in fact cost the Dealer’s price of N4.9 per vehicle. That would still leave us far short of N2.3 billion as we come in at around N1.2 billion for 260 Peugeot 407s.

But they didn’t go to a car dealer, they went directly to the source. Leaving aside the fact that there aren’t 280 Committees in the House of Reps, and that the same House of Reps had already purchased a fleet of buses for the Committees, and assuming that the decision to designate the cars as “Committee” vehicles was merely a means to circumvent the directive of the Executive that there would be no purchase of official vehicles for House of Reps members, the scale of greed involved here is almost unimaginable.

And to the rat bastards “explanation” that they had to place a rush order for the cars which they say justified the price, I must respond: “Was the Peugeot factory closed?”, “Had they stopped manufacturing the 407?” and “How in the blue fuck does Peugeot hear you want 280 cars and not give you a discount?” Somebody in that office would have touched the ceiling with glee. And when we add in (and I must reiterate) the fact that Peugeot are looking for a way back to the glory days when virtually all government vehicles were supplied by them, they would have all but kissed the feet of the House of Reps members with joy.

Keyamo wasn’t close, hell, he wasn’t even in the same ball park. And when that realization hit me, all I could say was “Haba!”

The Divine Obama

“The Bible says, ‘Thou shall not kill.’ Fuck that shit!”

– Staff Sergeant Sykes,

Jarhead

“God is the most unproductive industry in Nigeria.”

– Unknown

On November 4, 2008, history was made in America. A black man, born of a Kenyan father and a white mother from Kansas, was elected President of the United States. In a country where ownership of Negro slaves had sparked a civil war, and where race based discrimination sparked violent post-war clashes, and gave rise to organisations dedicated to teaching the “niggers” their place, where black leaders who dared to confront the hypocrisy of the white establishment head on were brutalized and sometimes murdered, it was nothing short of earth-shaking.

Since the elections, there have been death threats issued against Obama, and reports have come in of significant increases in traffic on white supremacist websites. For such people, the emergence of Barack Hussein Obama as President of “the country their white daddies fought and died for” is the ultimate kick in the teeth. What made his victory even more annoying is that without the massed support of white folks like themselves, apparent traitors to the cause.

Among this fringe of right wing lunatics are God-fearing folk, the Evangelical Christians, the ones who believe most ardently in miracles. Were the white portion of the electorate composed solely or mainly of these people, Obama would never have won the Democratic Party’s nomination, let alone the election proper. Which brings me to my country.

Some days after the election, before the euphoria had begun to fade, I engaged in a conversation with a certain young lady of Pentecostal inclination, who, to my mind are the Nigerian equivalent of American Evangelicals. And she told me, most vehemently, that Obama’s victory was “ordained by God” and for that reason, and that reason alone, he had won the election. She went further to say that a certain Nigerian pastor had prophesized that a black man would rule America, and the victory was proof that the pastor was perhaps God’s closest confidant. Never mind that the same pastor had once “prophesized” that Baba would not complete his second term in office.

After recovering from my initial slack-jawed amazement, I asked her if she had ever heard of Dr. Martin Luther King (a pastor himself) and his “I Have a Dream” speech in which he had looked forward to the events of November 4 some 40 years ago. She said, and I quote directly, “That one is his own.” At that point, you could have knocked me over with a quark. Never mind the stark irrationality that formed her opinions. Her views, for me, displayed one of Nigeria’s biggest problems.

America operates, and is guided, by the doctrine that every man who wishes to make something of his life is free to do so, and not only that, he is free to oppose any person who tries to take away his right to the pursuit of happiness. Within certain legal bounds, of course. A central theme of Monarchies is that the King (or Queen) has been appointed by God, and is the representative of God on Earth. Thus, disobedience to the crown is equal to disobedience to God, and shall attract severe penalties on Earth and in Heaven. The resounding rejection of this theme is what created America. And throughout history, it has been shown that where the wishes of God directly oppose the wishes of men, men have their way. The Bible says that at a point, the Israelites turned to their Prophet who was their de facto ruler, and said to him “We want a King, a man who shall rule us.” The Prophet told them God was their King, and they basically told him, “That one is his own.” They got their King.

Nigerians are always too willing to subsume their wishes and their will, and leave everything “for God.” It never crosses their minds that nations make progress by basically saying, “X and Y is what we wish to achieve, and if God is with us right now, fine. If not, He’ll come around to seeing things our way eventually.” A while ago, Baba had the balls to tell Nigerians that only God could solve our problems. This coming from a man who had every opportunity to solve the said problems his own God damned self, but chose to do nothing. If God gave you free will, are you not expected to exercise it? Are you supposed to say, every single day, that rather than exercise your God-given will, you’d rather wait for God to come and solve your problems? When Abacha died, Nigerians jubilated, and many said that God himself had come to remove our problem. I say that Abacha, exercising his free will, took Viagra and had a heart attack, which killed him. Perhaps my people will tell me that God is the CEO of Pfizer?

In 2002, Baba delayed announcing whether he would run for a second term as President on the grounds that he was awaiting direction from God. So, it must have been God, then, who thwarted his ambition for a third term in office, abi? The courageous men and women of the Senate and House of Reps and AIT either had nothing to do with it, or were God’s tools. I’m sure if they had all sat on their asses, God would have given them the words and perhaps operated the cameras. Especially seeing as Nigeria is God’s own special constituency development project.

I’m sure the young lady mentioned earlier believes that if Obama had similarly sat on his arse, or misyarned as he saw fit, or run around buck naked every day for the last two years, he would still have become President because God had ordained it and a pastor had prophesized it. That Obama is, perhaps, the most inspirational political figure of the last 50 years, had nothing to do with it. That Obama is perhaps the most gifted orator of his generation also had nothing to do with it. That Obama ran the most disciplined political campaign of the modern era also had nothing to do with it. And that Obama one day determined that he would reach for the highest office in his land irrespective of all obstacles and challenges, and Bible-thumping Evangelicals, also had nothing to do with it.

In Nigeria we are waiting for God to give us good roads, 24 hour electricity, pipe borne water, fix our educational system, provide us with good leaders, and tackle corruption. However, when the most corrupt people in our country are the biggest contributors to religious causes, ensuring that religious leaders continuously pray that God will continue to grant them increase, and when that prayer requires God to permit them to continue to steal from the people, how then is God supposed to tackle corruption?

I despair for my country.

NEPA In Space

Ok, so this isn't really funny, but I stand by the words of the great sage, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, which I shall paraphrase as follows: Why I dey laff? Man no fit cry.

On other worlds, and in alternate realities (by which I mean in other countries on Earth) satellites possess solar panels for main power, batteries for back-up power, and a little fuel for course corrections and such. The solar panels are of durable construction, having been refined over decades of research, and while they may eventually fail, their life span is measured in years, not months.

In Nigeria, accelerating in its quest to be unlike any other country on the planet, solar panels only last about 18 months. Which is why no one should be surprised that our brand new communications satellite, NIGCOMSAT-1, which cost us around N40 billion, has lost power, and been shut down to prevent it from crashing into other satellites from the aforementioned worlds and sparking an inter-planetary conflict.

It would be unimaginable in any other country that a piece of equipment which is still virtually brand new, and which was purchased at huge cost to the taxpayers could fail so soon, and nobody is brought to book. At the time of the launch of the satellite, most Nigerians didn't want the damned thing. And after its launch, many questioned the wisdom of purchasing a satellite possessing such antiquated technology that clouds could disrupt its operation.

As for the company NIGCOMSAT, it immediately engaged in a pissing contest with the NCC over who could determine the operation of the satellite, with the NCC arguing that it had supreme oversight when it came to the issuance of frequencies to customers, and NIGCOMSAT saying it could sell its frequencies to whomever it damn well pleased. That the satellite has been shut down puts an end to that quarrel.

One of the most disturbing aspects of the whole business, however, is not that a new satellite has failed already (which leads one to ask if the bloody thing was, in fact, new) but the fact that websites reporting on the matter can't seem to agree on what it cost Nigeria. Of those I've seen so far, the BBC and VOA say it cost $340 millon, Yahoo says it cost $311 million, and Space Mart said it cost $257 million. And we all know what that means, no?

As for Baba, who made sure to name the so-called "Space Center" in Abuja after himself, he should know that he has now achieved the impossible. He has managed to export NEPA into Space, and he should be applauded.

Race Relations In Nigeria

The world has just witnessed America handing it's mandate to a black man for the first time in its history. This election has made history in several ways, shattered many records, and gone a long way to restoring America's image abroad.

In the aftermath of the election, I have to ask myself several questions about racism in its many forms, especially as it relates to Africans and Nigerians in particular.

I read a book by Wilbur Smith where he described attitudes of Africans towards each other as racism. Looking at his explanation for his views, I found myself forced to agree with him.

Racism does not merely involve skin color, though that is its most common and easily identifiable form. It is also the form easiest to galvanise protest against. However, when people use racial sentiments to avoid sanctions for their violations of the law, by making statements such as "It's cos I'm black, innit?" that does tend to make skin color racism (in a way) more and more acceptable.

However, if we look back at our own histories, our ancestors never had any problems conquering and enslaving each other because of the color of their skin, which was predominantly black. There was no such thing as "African brotherhood" because they were too busy trying to create larger and larger empires.

The coming of the Europeans with their colonial governments provided a brief distraction from the vicious business of conquest, and gave the blacks a "common" enemy. The whites called them savages, and worse, and enacted their own conquests, using their juju of highly advanced weapons. Realising that they actually needed some of these "savages" in order to rule, they encouraged us to learn to read and write, and they utilised our men as soldiers in their wars. These men came back having seen that the whites actually weren't as superior as first thought, and the seeds of the independence movement were sown.

Well, we eventually got our independence, which allowed us to refocus on the most important issue of the day - conquering each other yet again. This time, using more sophisticated methods than full blown warfare.

You see, it is easy to characterise discrimination in Nigeria as tribalism, or whatever fancy name you want to give it. The simple fact of the matter is that it is Racism. Peter Pan, in his book The Complete Nigerian, tells us that Nigerians refer to those from different tribes as being from different "countries" and he's right.

America, a predominantly white nation, yesterday embraced a man of African (not even African-American) paternity, and declared him to be their President, by a crushing majority. In Africa, Obama would have been told to go to his father's country if he wanted to be President. And we are all black, aren't we?

In Nigeria, it remains impossible for an Igbo man to seek election outside the south-eastern part of Nigeria. A Bini man would do well to confine his political ambitions to Edo state. So far, only the Yourba and Hausa races have been permitted to rule this country, and talk of Hausa President Yar'Auda's ill health prompts shivers amongst the Hausa elite at the thought of Vice President Goodluck Jonathan, a man from a minority race, becoming President in his stead.

Is it because the majority races in Nigeria do not refer to the minorities as coons, porch monkeys, jungle bunnies, jigaboos, or niggers that we are inclined to say there is no racism? Is it because we have yet to catalogue any category of expressions as racial slurs that we are inclined to say there is no racism? Is it because the discrimination occurs between people of the same color that we are inclined to say there is no racsim?

In America, you can come from Poland, Russia, China, Japan, Nigeria, Uganda, England, France, Germany, or where ever, and even if you are not American, your children born in America and holding American passports will not be denied their rights to seek office, or better their station in life on your account. Because, like Barack Obama pointed out repeatedly, there is only the United States of America.

That is their greatest strength, and until Nigerians realise that there is only the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and that this ragged patch of Earth is our home, and begin to resist the same old politics of division, we will NEVER see any Obamas.

YES WE DID!!!

YES WE DID!
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YES WE DID!

To Chxta's Unborn Son

My son, I cannot argue with the pearls of wisdom your father set out for you in his letter. Do not be alarmed at my choice of address, for you shall be as much Chxta's son as you shall be mine, and in all probability, you shall grow up calling me "Uncle" though we are not related by blood.

As someone who has known your father these many years, there are certain things I shall tell you here which he expects me to:

First of all, if you are anything like your father, the two of you are likely to have some serious clashes as you grow older. Do not take these to mean that your father is an old "Moustache Pete" or unwise in the ways of your generation. Our elders always said that what the old man sees while sitting, the young man shall not see even if he climbs the tallest tree. Rest assured that even though you shall be inclined to dismiss this as an attempt by the old to hang on to power, you shall eventually see the truth in those words, as we did.

Should you be inclined to follow in your father's professional footsteps, be sure to choose for yourself friends in fields as diverse from yours as possible, and make sure that at least one of your closest friends is a lawyer. Granted, you shall hear all sorts of jokes about lawyers, in fact, I'll probably tell you most of them, but believe me when I tell you, they are as important as your own right arm.

Never breach the trust of your friends over money or women. The first runs through your fingers like water, and the second runs through your money like... well, your ears are as yet too young to hear that particular similie. But never fear, for one day, when you're old enough, I'll tell it to you. That is, of course, if you haven't already learned it by then, or made up your own.

My home shall be as open to you as yours, and my office shall be likewise. Feel free to come to me with your problems, but know that if you do something deserving of an ass whopping, I will not keep it from your father. Of course, I shall plead on your behalf as to the extent of the ass whopping you'll get, but your father shall be free to disregard my sentencing recommendation if he wants to.

You can feel free to come to me with questions about things which your father may feel you're too young to know. Especially about sex.

The earlier you develop a capacity for cynical thought and ice-cold self-analysis, the better. In all things, keep an open mind, but always view the actions of those around you through the prism of self-interest. Of a truth, you shall occasionally encounter individuals with genuinely altruistic motives, and such persons are rare and your relationships with them should be carefully nurtured. When you come across those with purely selfish motives, play along until you can use their motives to serve your interests.

With friends you classify as "true" you must be open and honest. Say what you really feel about their choices and actions, and hold nothing back even if you fear you will hurt them or permanently damage your friendship. It may take years, but they will realise your worth. I can't imagine the amount of trouble I would have gotten into if I didn't have your father around to pour cold water on some of my more hare-brained ideas. And I have done the same for him, let me tell you. Your true friends shall be there for you when all else fails, and you must be as willing to make sacrifices for them as they are for you. In such ways are lifelong friendships established.

One area I openly disagree with your father is football. The game does have a very strong spirit, and if you allow it, it will possess you to the extent that you feel physically ill when your team underperforms, or simply plays like crap. But, much like being in love, you cannot be half in and half out of football. And I have a clue that although your father wishes you to be spared the demons of football, he shall be the one to introduce you to them, and smile while you shake hands. However, there are few better analogies for life than following a football team through the years. Some years are good, others are bad, some are downright terrible, but a true supporter sticks to his team no matter what because he understands that no one has the divine right to be on top all the time.

Between us, myself and your father may be able to do a reasonable job of bringing you up to be a principled gentleman, and as the English say, the most important thing you can learn about being a gentleman is when to stop being one.

And whatever you do, don't support Juventus. That way lies something else I shall have to explain to you at a later date.

I love you, as your father does. Be good, my son.

Your Uncle Oria.

What An Obama Victory Means For Africa, Really

"It's over. Cover the field. Get some bulldozers in here and turn this place into a parking lot!"

- Randy Quaid

Major League II

The above statement may or may not accurately describe the mood in the John McCain Campaign after today’s debate (the first one I have actually been able to stay up for). However, even if it is not accurate, it can’t be far off. Naturally, McCain’s campaign organisation will come out and claim victory. In a way, it was a McCain victory. He performed far better than in his previous two debate appearances, and even managed to look at Obama once in a while. But, I don’t think it was enough to swing the election his way. The way things stand now, come November 4, we may actually witness the election of America’s first black President, barring some unforeseen calamity.

Obama’s campaign to this point has been a reflection of the man himself. It has been calm, unruffled, and steady, qualities he showed again in the final debate. Watching on CNN, which had a split view of both candidates, you could virtually see some of McCain’s attacks bouncing off Obama’s smile. During some McCain attacks, he chuckled, and then refused to respond to them, instead choosing to focus on passing his message across. I think that infuriated McCain, who was desperate to provoke a negative reaction from Obama.

Now the Republican Party has to say to Americans, “Well, fair is fair. And if we lose the White House (as is looking increasingly likely) then y’all have to give us the legislature. You see, we can’t have Democrats in the White House, Senate, and Congress, it would be a monopoly!” Naturally, this line of argument completely ignores the fact that for the first six years of Dubya’s reign, he had a braying, overwhelmingly Republican legislature backing him up completely. Which allowed him to launch his country into a war which has cost the American economy $10 billion a month for the past three years. You do the math.

All the post-debate polls showed an overwhelming victory for Obama in the debate. Frankly, I thought that McCain started far better. He was sharp, his attacks were pointed and precise, and he had Obama on the back foot for about 20 minutes. He even scored points on the economy, which is supposed to be Obama’s forte. Obama looked and sounded flat, and slightly lethargic. I even commented to my brother that he seemed to have sprouted a few more grey hairs. Then came the turning point – when the moderator asked them about personal attacks, and attack ads. This is where, for me, McCain lost the opportunity to “whip Obama’s you know what” in the debate, which he was actually winning up to that point.

He allowed Obama lead him into the bear trap of his own words, and the chants at Sarah Palin’s rallies, and all he could do was whine about how Obama did not “discredit” the statements of Congressman John Lewis, comparing the atmosphere at a Sarah Palin rally with that of the Civil Rights Era. When Obama pointed out, in his infuriatingly calm manner, that the said Congressman was not speaking on behalf of the Obama Campaign, and further, the said Congressman had since issued a statement in which he admitted to having over-reacted, McCain said Obama still didn’t denounce the Congressman.

Then it was on to Bill Ayers who, as Obama pointed out, is a Professor in a University in Chicago, and that the Education Board McCain kept referring to actually contained Republicans. McCain kept trying to bring it up, and Obama kept deflecting it. And then Obama landed his own killer punch, pointing out that when people chanted “kill him” at Palin’s rallies, McCain never came out to denounce those people. McCain, determined to not only dig his own grave, but to build his own casket, and bury himself as well, responded that he could never denounce the “patriotic” Americans who attend his rallies!

For me, that finished McCain’s debate. On all issues which followed, Obama hammered him. He even got McCain to admit on live national television, that he planned to tax peoples’ health care benefits! That was a major coup, and no matter how the likes of Tucker Bounds try to dress that up, it was a huge blow for McCain’s healthcare plan. I predict some fancy footwork from McCain’s campaign over the next few days on that one.

Overall, I think McCain actually did well. Far better than I expected him to, in fact. Though, to tell you the truth, if all he had done was manage to stay in his seat without running around shouting “Mayday!” “Mayday!” and “Damn you Viet Cong, you’ll get nothing out of me!” he would still have exceeded my expectations. The bottom line is, McCain needed a game-changing performance, but he failed to produce one.

Now, here’s my cynical mind speaking to all you out there who think that Obama becoming President of Yankee will immediately make the US Embassy issue free visas to Africans to go and join their brother in celebrating his victory with the Owambe bash to end all Owambe bashes, think again. For one thing, Barack Obama is an American. By certain quirk of genetics, he inherited his father’s dark skin, though, truth be told, his mother’s genes must have been pretty strong, otherwise he’d have the traditional Kenyan skin of black coffee and not his milk chocolate complexion. My point is, he was raised by his American mother and her American parents after his African father had fucked off back to Africa. Sure, he visited Kenya once, to “connect” with his roots, but that’s just about it.

American's first, and most times, only interest, is and has always been, America. Sure, the election of Obama as President will be a shot of pure heroin to the America's international image, but that’s where it will end. The IMF and World Bank will still tell the self-centered African rulers to deregulate, and remove “subsidies”, while imposing economic “reforms” on the countries that are calculated to cause more problems while providing no solutions.

Indeed, with Obama as President, since he is such a likeable, well-spoken fellow, America might even be allowed to get away with more than it is currently allowed, which is just about anything it wants. One of Obama’s greatest weapons is his earnest demeanor, so imagine that demeanor being turned to the project of projecting America’s military might. Hell, he wouldn’t even have to threaten you with sanctions. All he’d have to do is smile at you and tell you how he understands your fears, and your cynicism, and how he’s here to change all that, and before you know it, you’ll be yelling at your wife to spray her best perfume and get in the bedroom to wait for him.

So far, America’s image has been that of the white man, oppressing Africans and others around the world. Heck, when the IMF and World Bank want to send officers into African countries, they send their totally indoctrinated blacks, who then recruit Africans, indoctrinate them, and send them off to do their master’s bidding. Imagine what would happen with a black American President, who is also of pure African descent. I imagine he would be besieged by offers to visit Africa, during which our rulers will throw our countries’ legs wide open for America to come and pillage and plunder. Heck, when an African ruler wants to prove stubborn, I’ll bet all Obama would have to do would be pick up a phone and begin the conversation with, “Help a brother out...”

So, with Obama as President, everything would change, and everything would stay the same. At least Kenya should be able to leverage having contributed some DNA to the first black American President into producing the Chairman of the AU for the duration of Obama’s reign.

That being said, I hope he wins so idiots like the one above get to eat crow.